An Open Letter Of Thanks To The Twilight Phenomenon

Dear the Twilight phenomenon,

As a 69-year-old man, I continue to be completely ignorant of what you’re actually about. I mean, I know that you’re about adolescent vampires, and I know that at some point you’re also about adolescent CGI werewolves. But I haven’t read the books, and I have not seen the movies, because reading the books and seeing the movies won’t make my hands stop hurting when a storm is approaching.

But I have to admit that for as much hay as we all make of you (the amount of hay being roughly the equivalent of how much money you have made, which is in turn roughly equivalent to how loud teenage girls scream when there is anything that even remotely has anything to do with you going on, so lots of hay is what I’m saying), and for as derisive as we can all sometimes be towards this thing (you) that obviously appeals to millions of people in a way that probably nothing we ever do will even come close to–and, yes, maybe we are a little jealous even as we pretend that intellectually and also aesthetically you are beneath us, and in reality it’s probably a defensive reaction to mask the fact that sometimes we just feel kind of alone in this world–OH MAN, Twilight Phenomenon, some of the unexpected third party creations inspired by you are killing us these days. We are dead!

Last week’s ice cream cake was a classic. And this dude’s t-shirt has been making me laugh all day (the face helps, though). I’m not so into the weird felt aborted vampire fetuses, or whatever, because even without having any idea what that’s all about I can still tell it’s creepy. But the point is that even standing cold and alone as my bones begin to shrink beneath the same sensible clothes I’ve been wearing for decades, completely outside of your frenzied, bubble-gum-lipgloss scented whirlwind, I have still gotten a couple of serious Lots Of Loves (my granddaughter taught me that one over Instant Talking). Someone take me to the hospital, I laughed my hip into pieces.

And that’s worth something, Twilight Phenomenon. Even if I never see a single movie or take a single cruise, you have, somehow, unexpectedly, inexplicably, improved my life.



P.S. Thanks for the tip, Max.