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The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Is This Real Life?

Oh, ladies. I can’t say that I have missed you. That would be the wrong word. But I have definitely somethinged you. Not seen you? That’s probably it. It’s difficult to believe that a whole year has gone by and you’re all still…alive (almost) and of interest to America. (No offense! “None taken.”) Is it just me or did Bravo wait an extra long time between Atlanta seasons? What, you guys don’t have a Bravo inter-season calendar on your wall where you check off each day between Real Housewives seasons with a tube of lipstick? Whoops! I missed a little bit!

So how has everyone been? You’ve all been falling apart? Perfect. I wonder how DeShawn Snow likes heaven (since apparently she has died, why else would she not be here but also everyone would pretend like she’d never existed?). I bet when you organize a fundraiser in heaven, EVERYONE participates in the silent auction and you’re never INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSED. Seriously, R.I.P. DeShawn Snow. You might not have had a clue about raising children, and you might have talked about yourself in the third person, but you deserved to live! Kind of!

But there’s a new Housewife! Kandi!

M/F/K=M!

She is a songwriter. She wrote “No Scrubs”!

It might be the first time in Housewives history that there is a woman with genuine talent and a bank account of her own earnings! And she seems nice! She’s like Kelly Killoren Bensimon on opposite day.

She talks Lisa Wu Hartwell into performing in a local production of the Vagina Monologues for charity (HAHA, NICE CHARITY!). For a second I thought Lisa Wu Hartwell was also new, but I guess she was on last season. Did she do anything? Ever? No? That’s what I thought.

Niecy Nash?

Forget it, Jake, it’s Coke Town.

The debut episode of season 2 was painfully lacking in Kim Zolciak as fr as I am concerned. But, so, now that she is broken up with Big Poppa (whoops, you are a grown woman with children and that is what you call your married boyfriend. I think toxins from your wig are leeching into your decision-making cortex!) she feels like she really wants to make her own money. Most of us call that feeling “hunger.” Because of how you need money to not starve to death. Haha, look at me pretending like Kim isn’t so dumb! She goes to her fortune teller. Note: she doesn’t go to a fortune teller, she goes to HER fortune teller. Her fortune teller says that there is a line on her palm that means she’s going to have a baby boy, so Kim goes to the store to buy birth control. Look at these beautiful, powerful women! They live life on their own terms! Kim is going to start a company that makes wigs for white women. Fair enough! Start a company what you know!

Nene got her house repossessed. Or something. But she has a new house now. Don’t even worry about it. This show is about fabulous lives. She and Kim never did have that glass of wine, and all episode long it’s “maybe we’ll have that glass of wine one day,” and “I don’t want to have that glass of wine.” Am I missing something? Is “glass of wine” a euphemism? That glass of wine is like PC’s sexuality. Constantly referenced, never obtained, subtly coded as a threat.

And I nearly forgot about this guy!

Real Housewives of Wherever Token Gay! Every season has one! Except New Jersey for obvious reasons!

So last season was filled with the drama of Nene’s origins. Who is her father? “Well we gonna get the DNA is what we gonna do.” Right. I think we can all agree that Nene has earned a little relaxation time.

This guy knows what I’m talking about:

But the real breakout star of this season is clearly going to be Sheree. That woman is ridiculous and possibly insane! She by Sheree. Pffffft. No, that’s not enough. How do you type the phonetic representation of a knowing and derisive snort that takes into account the grandiosity, arrogance, and dismal failure of something? SHUT UP, FORRESTER, I AM PUNCHING THE KEYS GOD DAMN IT!

So Sheree’s house ALSO got repossessed? Ha! I mean, that is terrible, but it is almost a throughline with this show. Only two of the five women are married, and three of them are struggling with basically no reliable source of income? I am not trying to tell Bravo how to do its job, but someone should tell Bravo how to do its job, because Bravo is not doing its job right.

Then again, yes it is. Because this scene is amazing.

Um, WHAT?

Respect that guy’s top, you guys. The bandana will tell you what to do next.

I like how all the other people in this OFFICE OF BUSINESS are treating this as an issue that needs to be resolved, certainly, but not as anything particularly INSANE or UNBELIEVABLE.

“He said there was going to be a helicopter but now there is not going to be a helicopter.” You do know where you can get a helicopter ride, right, Sheree?

This is what your face looks like:

They’re back.