Shakira Is The Hot, Colombian Elaine Benes

New Shakira video, you guys. “She Wolf”:

I used to think that Shakira was anthropomorphic vagina dentata. Especially in that one video where she was covered in motor oil and thrashing around like some kind of Latina Cloverfield. “We have to run towards the monster. Don’t worry, I’ll videotape the whole thing!” I don’t think that anymore, though. Her dances in this video are, in a word, HILARIOUS. Don’t get me wrong: her clothing choices are the opposite of hilarious. When Harvard opens up its Kennedy School of Bodysocks, I’m sure that Shakira will be on the shortlist for DEAN. But those dances. Incredible. I know that she’s foreign, or whatever, but if I didn’t know that she was foreign, I would know that she was foreign now. It’s like watching an alien with a stolen body that doesn’t fit trying to attract an egg-sac face at a Meat Packing District nightclub. “Are you being liking what I doing now? Let’s go to my apartment. It is in the sewer! I mean the Upper East Sewer! I mean Side! BLAHHHHH ALIEN EGG SACS IN YOUR STOMACH.”

Whatever, I ain’t care. Take me to your planet, Crazy!