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Gwyneth Paltrow Narrowly Wrests Her Title Of “The Worst” Back From Katherine Heigl

These two ladies are really going blow for blow these days. “I’m the worst!” “No, I am the worst!” Stop, you’re both incredibly awful! Is it possible to have a Mexican stand-off with just two people? Let’s try! I heard impossible is nothing, or whatever. Anyway, Gwyneth Paltrow takes back the upper (lower?) hand this week with some remarks she made to People magazine at the Hope Benefit Gala at the Tribeca Rooftop, whatever that means (it is very nice to see someone finally helping Hope out?).

“It’s crazy. . . . crazy!” Paltrow chatted exclusively with PEOPLE about the site at the Children of the City’s Champions of Hope Benefit Gala at the Tribeca Rooftop last night in N.Y.C. “I just love it. Corporate America is knocking at my door. . . . ‘Will you hawk my product’?” The answer is clearly no for the star’s very personal project, which even derives its name from her initials G.P. “It started in such an organic way. People ask me, ‘What is it? What are you doing?’ And I don’t know. I did it, am doing it . . . and I love doing it. It is really just a place to disseminate good information,” said the Preen-clad Paltrow. “People are so grateful that it’s free. It’s just nice to share what you have. And I have all this great information. It’s just a gift. People want me to do all this other stuff. But right now, I just really love doing the site. I love thinking about the letters, what I’m going to write about, what kind of information we can put in there.”

Look, you guys, I’ve got some real talk for you:

That cooking video from last week? BIG DEAL. I’m not an idiot. My eyes work. I enjoy roast chicken as much as anyone. Just having fun, you know? Shoulder punch! Sure, I gave her a hard time about using champagne vinegar instead of regular vinegar because COME ON, CHAMPAGNE VINEGAR?! Classic. But she was just giving a recipe for roast chicken, and there is very little harm in that. If we really want to be honest with ourselves, and OK, we rarely want to be honest with ourselves, but if we really wanted to be honest with ourselves for some reason, the world would probably be a better place with a few more roast chickens! These guys know what I’m talking about.

But this woman. Oh boy. She needs to stop ever talking ever! If you were to build a computer that could mathematically determine the most unbearable thing to say within 1/1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th of a second, or whatever (science!) you would still not be able to match her. She’s like the Deep Blue of fucking awful. Corporate America is knocking at her door. Right. Abbie Hoffman over here. Steal This Newsletter About Mid-Century Modern Bathroom Fixtures.

“PEOPLE ARE SO GRATEFUL THAT IT’S FREE!”

Has she even been on the internet before? She probably had her butler type out copies of Goop for years, sticking it under her neighbors’ Lamborghini windshields. Like, she thinks that she could charge money for this if she wanted? But the benevolent Queen Paltrow has deigned to offer up her infinite wisdom for free? Gwunbelievable. The first guillotine was invented in 1286 and here we are, standing around like “if only there was something we could do.”

I’m sorry, I’m not advocating chopping Gwyneth Paltrow’s head off with a medieval contraption. Maybe just her tongue? A cute, little, baby, tongue guillotine. It would also work great as a centerpiece at a dinner party for all of your fabulous friends. “Who wants leeks?!”

Live to fight another day, Heigl.