Who Should Star In The Movie Based On Lauren Conrad’s “Book”

So Lauren Conrad, who starred in a reality TV show, “wrote” a “book”* about a girl who stars in a reality TV show, and now she wants to turn that book into a movie about a girl who stars in a reality TV show. Does anyone have any scratch paper? I can figure this out. CARRY THE SIZE ZEROS! (Sorry.) From MTV Movies Blog:

“We’re hoping for a movie deal,” Conrad said. “I’m working on [adapting the book for the movies] right now, but I don’t want to commit to anything until I see all my options. We have had a lot of exciting news in that respect, though.”

Huh? If you’re looking to get a movie deal, but you haven’t gotten a movie deal yet, then what exactly counts as “exciting news in that respect”? Whoops! I made the classic mistake of trying to understand things that Lauren Conrad says by following the rules of rational, intelligent, adult human beings from Earth. My bad.

So, what is Lauren’s goal?

“Lauren’s goal is to get into producing — it always was,” a source told [People] magazine. “It was always to make ‘L.A. Candy’ into a film or TV show. She’s been in talks about it.”

It always was. Lauren Conrad’s goal was ALWAYS to get into producing. She took the natural producer’s path of starring in two separate reality TV shows for seven long years, and then starting her own line of garbage clothes for Kohl’s. A regular little Jerry Bruckheimer over here.

“I’m so over it, Heidi.”

Would she star in the movie?

“She would never star in it because she doesn’t want to be an actress,” the source said. “She spent so long on TV. … [She] would love to produce.”

Right, she doesn’t want to be an “actress.” These people with their charmingly generous use of words (write! act! sure!). One can only imagine how rigorous the role of a girl who stars in a reality TV show as imagined by a human hand bag would be. Maybe Sean Penn is available? So if Lauren Conrad won’t do it (yay! Lauren Conrad finally won’t do something!) then who should?

I suggest:

Toni Ferrari.

Slap (literally, SLAP) some Benjamin Button makeup on her and let’s make Movie Maaaaaagggggggiiiiiiiiccccccc.

*”No,” she “didn’t.”