Videogum

Fuck It, Let’s Remake Everything

Obviously, there is some resistance to Hollywood’s constant remaking of movies. I think this stems from the fact that the original movies are good, or at least hold a warm, golden place in our heavy, nostalgic hearts. And also that Hollywood’s tendency is never to improve on the past, but simply to exploit it for profit. Well shut up, you guys! Stop complaining! Hollywood is obviously remaking movies at an exponential rate, so we might as well get on board and get really excited about it. Over-excited if you ask me. Check out these two items from this morning’s Variety:

Universal Pictures and Illumination Entertainment are joining forces to turn the Dr. Seuss book “The Lorax” into a 3-D CG animated feature.

AWESOME! THIS IS THE BEST NEWS I HAVE EVER HEARD!

Though published in 1971, “The Lorax” has a timely “green” theme.

YEAH IT DOES! I LIKE CARING ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT BECAUSE IT’S TIMELY!

Also this news (via Variety):

Sony Pictures Classics is continuing its relationship with filmmaker Zhang Yimou, agreeing to distribute his planned remake of the Coen brothers’ comedic thriller “Blood Simple” domestically and in several major foreign territories.

The untitled redo will be set in a Chinese noodle shop in a dune-specked desert, rather than a bar in an unnamed Texas town, and revolve around the restaurant owner’s plan to murder his adulterous wife and her lover.

AWESOME! IT IS TOO BAD THAT THERE IS NO WAY TO TRANSLATE THE ORIGINAL FILM’S DIALOG INTO CHINESE*, AND THEN TO OVERLAY THOSE TRANSLATIONS FOR PEOPLE TO READ…SOME KIND OF TITLING SYSTEM…MAYBE UNDERNEATH THE IMAGE, LIKE SUB THE IMAGE, SO THAT PEOPLE CAN JUST ENJOY THE ORIGINAL MOVIE WITHOUT HAVING TO REMAKE IT BECAUSE IT’S VERY GOOD. I DON’T KNOW, I’M JUST SPITBALLING HERE! JUST KIDDING! I AM SUPER INTO REMAKES NOW! AND IN PARTICULAR, I AM SUPER INTO THIS REMAKE, WHICH JUST SOUNDS GREAT. MAYBE WE CAN REMAKE BLOOD SIMPLE TWICE SOMEHOW. HOW DO YOU SAY “))><((" IN CHINESE? What are we even doing here talking about this? Any time not spent delving through the past in order to destroy it for money is time wasted! TO THE GOONDOCKS! *Admittedly, Hollywood has been pillaging foreign films for ideas and reproducing them as complete nonsense for dull-witted American audiences for years, so you can’t really get mad at someone doing the same thing in reverse. Except that Blood Simple is great and also yes you can get mad.