There is a new lady vampire. Perfect. One thing that this show has been sorely lacking is an over-abundance of characters and too few plotlines. Vampire Eric called her to make her try and fuck Vampire Bill because Vampire Eric thinks that Human Sookie (who is more than human?) is in the way. She is like “I haven’t seen Bill in 70 years,” because when you are immortal time loses all meaning, obviously, but sometimes it still has meaning. You should probably read Vampire Emily Post’s guide to Vampire Time Etiquette. You can order it from amazon.vampire.org. Huh? Whatever, this show is the thing that is ridiculous, not me.
The Dallas Texas Chamber of Vampires has decided to give up one of their human-sex-toys, named Hugo, to pretend to be Sookie’s husband when they infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun. When Hugo and Sookie talk about what their game plan should be, Hugo tells her about how much he and his Vampire Lover fight about the issue of turning him into a vampire. He points out that eventually he and Sookie will grow old and the vampires will tire of them, unless they get turned into hot vampires now. Sookie is mad at him for bringing this up because she had never even thought about it. Um, maybe you should be mad at yourself Sookie, for never even thinking about the most obvious things to think about as soon as you get involved with a fucking vampire. The only thing worse than Sookie’s accent is Sookie’s ability to think about things that even a baby would think about. (A baby entering into a serious, long-term relationship with a vampire baby. “Maybe you should turn me, so that we can be babies together forever.”)
Meanwhile, Sam Merlotte will not stop fucking on his own restaurant’s pool table.
The next day he is like “every time I look over at the pool table I want to have sex with you” (paraphrasing). Really, Sam? Because every time I look over at the pool table I want to barf and also call the health department. Later, Daphne will trick Sam into going to Marianne’s sex party and Marianne will put on her Wicker Man helmet and get out her Wicker Man human sacrifice knife and Daphne will be like “sorry, everyone who watched this show could see that I was no good the whole time, but you are very stupid.” Also she is the PIG! What an incredible revelation? (I have no idea what the fuck is happening.)
Speaking of Marianne, the water heater in Sookie’s grandma’s house is broken, so Marianne is cranky. You know how maenads can get when there is no hot water! She’s like “I need to have a hot shower and a cup of very hot coffee.” Gross, Marianne. Look at Eggs (whose name is Eggs), he is covered in sweat! It is too hot for hot showers and hot coffee you stupid myth. Tara and Eggs (Eggs! That is a name!) go driving to get a part to fix the hot water heater, but Eggs starts having Innervisions like Stevie. They pull off the side of the road and Eggs (EGGS!) is like “I have been here before, but I don’t know how”) and they end up at an abandoned fire pit with torn bloody cargo shorts and a rock covered in blood and Eggs starts crying. Later, he and Tara walk into Marianne’s sex party and everyone has black eyes and are fucking and Tara and Eggs are like uh oh, but that doesn’t really matter because five seconds later they have black eyes and are fucking, so whatever.
Hugo and Sookie infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun, posing as a newly engaged couple that is looking for a church to get married in. But then it turns out that Sarah and Steve know who they are and are going to kidnap them and murder them along with a vampire they have hidden in the basement (Vampire Godric? This is all information that is in my head when that precious space could be used for something, ANYTHING, else) and Sookie calls out to Vampire Bill for help, but he can’t help her because he’s being raped by his maker. Oh well. What is the absolute worst thing that could happen? Sookie gets murdered? Sarah feels so broken up about kidnapping people in order for Steve to “start a war,” that she fucks Jason Stackhouse in the balcony of the chapel. “Because life is precious, God, and the bible.”
Lafayette: going to sell vampire blood again.
Jessica: has a boyfriend whose cell phone is broken.
Next week: Sam Merlotte doesn’t die, even though we thought he was going to die at the end of this episode, but he doesn’t, but he still might! Don’t think he won’t, just because he didn’t! And if it seemed weird that Steve and Sarah could know about Sookie and not know about Jason, that is because they do not about Jason. Surprise. Plus, 1,000 other plotlines casually move forward.