Turtle’s mom is mad at him because he wore sneakers to Vince’s premiere. Johnny Drama told him in the limo that it was a mistake to wear sneakers! Now she is the laughing stock of the salon on Queens Boulevard. Turtle picks up one of his baseball hats from his baseball hat collection and stares at it. He slides a hidden door to reveal a lighted recess for his sneaker collection. Which sneakers will he wear today? I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT TO FIND OUT! His mom is like “you are a loser,” and Turtle is like, “today of all days, ma?” What do you mean today of all days? Oh, today is Turtle’s birthday! Normally, Turtle’s day is filled with business and stress, but today is a special day for him to just relax. Work hard, play hard, that is Turtle’s motto. I cannot WAIT to see how they celebrate this one. It is going to be INSANE.
RACE CAR DRIVING!
Something to do with Vince’s new movie being about race car driving. It’s not important. Nothing is. Later:
HOLY SHIT, I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. For that split second where you weren’t sure whether or not Turtle was going to accept Vince’s gift of a $240,000 Ferrari, I was like OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, I was hyperventilating into a brown paper bag and I shit my pants. But then Turtle accepted the car and I was like “that was a CLOSE ONE!”
You guys aren’t going to believe this, but later, Turtle’s girlfriend, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, gives him a Porsche for his birthday. Haha. This show really raised the stakes on how many luxury cars one character could get in a single episode (two). It’s like Chekov always said: “if there is a Ferrari hanging on the wall in the first act, give Turtle a Porsche, also.”
50 Cent is like, “I’m terrible at acting.”
Call up Hollywood. Let’s put this guy in everything. Let’s CGI his face onto Adam Sandler’s face in Funny People. “The one who got away: guys have that and serial killers have that. G Unit!” I think that would be hilarious.
Later, Turtle decides to go back to school because it’s time to get serious about his life. Sure. I hope that this show goes on forever so that I can find out HOW THINGS WORK OUT FOR TURTLE IN THE LONG TERM. It’s going to be like the Michael Apted Up series, except that instead of checking in on the protagonists every seven years, we’re going to check in every single year. It’s going to be great. Tell your doctor to keep you healthy, you wouldn’t want to die without seeing the end of this.