Entourage: Ari Gold Is Not The Moral Compass Of Hollywood

Nice try, Entourage. Don’t get me wrong, I was on the edge of my seat for the entire episode wondering whether or not E would GET IT WET. Seriously, I was so nervous for him, I was just covered in sweat. I mean, we knew that after the premiere of Martin Scorsese’s Gatsby (ugh, every time), Turtle was going to GET IT WET with Jamie Lynn Sigler. And we don’t even have to worry about Vince. Vince always GETS IT WET. (Fist bump.) Even Johnny Drama was pretty much guaranteed to GET IT WET last night with Kerry (probably spelled C’ari) from the suit store. I mean, she seemed like she didn’t like Johnny Drama very much, but you could tell by the end of the night that Johnny Drama was DEFINITELY going to GET IT WET. But E? That was a real toss up! See, he’s trying to get back together with Sloane (FINGERS CROSSED) but he had a real hot piece of underage CGI chipmunk face coming after him, which he should have just BANGED, like a MAN, instead of trying to have FEELINGS, and GET BACK TOGETHER WITH SOMEONE WHO HE CARED ABOUT. Shut up and fuck that little girl, E. This…is…Sparta!Entourage! The good news, of course, is that by the end credits we are pretty sure that E is going to GET IT WET. We don’t see him GET IT WET, but it seems pretty clear that he is driving over to Pixar. Sorry, Sloane! Maybe E can GET IT WET with you another time. In fact, I’m sure of it. What else does he have to do? This show sucks.

But, nice try, Entourage, at pretending like Ari Gold was Hollywood’s tenured Professor of Morals over here:


And then this:


It is season six of this show. We know by now that Ari Gold is a narcissistic garbage monster whose misogyny and homophobia serve his desire for increased money, power, and success. He wields sex as a weapon, against his wife, against his assistant, against his business partners. He verbally abuses everyone with borderline-proscecutable vitriolic hate-speech. Fair enough. But come on, Entourage. It is always so ridiculous when you attempt to humanize him. Even in this situation, the only reason he is upset about this dude’s extra-marital affair instead of slapping him on the back with his over-tanned hands is because he thinks it will hurt him in the long run. Self-interested until the last. And he takes out his frustration by hate-criming Lloyd with increased intensity in his illegal forced-fast? Ugh. Fist bumps all around. Let’s fist bump these guns into our mouths.

Previously: Entourage: Ari Gold Is Not A Very Good Father