True Blood: It’s Only A Matter Of Time Before This Show Has A Swamp Thing

Daphne is a baby deer! Her and Sam start making out because JUNGLE FEVER. (There are a lot of puppies and tiny little deer in the jungle, you need to look that up.) But then they get interrupted by Terry and Darlene, who are escaping from Marianne’s sex party to go have sex, yes, but in the woods. Most people at one of Marianne’s sex parties are content to just eat dirt and rub their faces in the pie. Not Terry and Darlene. They are a classy couple. They will retreat to the woods for sex. But they scare Daphne away, and Sam is like, “uh-der,” because Sam is always dumb now in every scene in every episode. “Your motivation is ‘idiot.'” Later, though, Sam will have sex with Daphne on a pool table at his own restaurant, because he may constantly be yelling at everyone about doing a better job, but he’s the boss, and so health code can kiss his butt. Right before they do it Daphne tells him that she’s surprised that he has never met a shapeshifter before. “A few werewolves, sure,” Sam says. Oh this show.

Meanwhile, in Dallas, Texas:

Why is Vampire Eric so upset about Godric? That’s what Bill says to Eric when Eric is screaming at the Dallas Vampires. There are two of them in a fancy house. I don’t understand how vampire culture works. Like, every state has a sheriff? And there is a king and queen? And there are mayors? And there is, as we know, a Junkyard Vampire Court of Vampire Law, with honorable Judge Vampire presiding from the truckbed? But if there are so many vampires and they have their own shadow government, you would think that they would have a better system for dealing with crisis management than just standing around a Dwell Magazine living room yelling at each other about it. The Dallas vampires are disdainful of Sookie, and Vampire Bill is like “respect her!” as if we aren’t all disdainful of Sookie.

Oh wait, but why is Vampire Eric so upset about Godric? BECAUSE GODRIC WAS HIS MAKER! And also his father, and his brother, and his…child?

He says that with almost tears in his eyes. As if that was a real thing and we were supposed to understand the emotional weight of the situation. I thought that vampires didn’t have feelings. Wasn’t that what made them so tragic? That they had no emotional attachment to the world? Or do they just have vampire feelings about other vampires? Haha, look at me going on as if this is a real thing to talk about. Vampires do not exist. Their emotions are irrelevant.

Sookie agrees that she will infiltrate the Church of the Sun to find out if they were responsible for abducting Godric. Vampire Bill doesn’t want her to go. He wishes he could stay in this Vampire Hotel with Terrycloth Vampire Robes forever.

It makes sense that Vampire Bill would want to stay in the Vampire Hotel forever. It is conveniently located at the intersection of Haha Boulevard and Photoshop Street.

Also there is that other telepathic dweeb, but he doesn’t want to have anything to do with Sookie. He is like “take your continental breakfast and leave me alone.” Why do they put out a full continental breakfast at the Vampire Hotel in the morning? It’s a Vampire Hotel. Everyone is sleeping, and none of them need pastries. Forget it, Jake, it’s Vampire Hotel Town.

Speaking of the Church of the Sun, Jason Stackhouse is the best leader because he can scale a four-foot-high fence. Everyone else is like “this four-foot-high fence is too high!” Not for Jason Stackhouse. Jason Stackhouse climbs that four-foot-high fence and is like “Give me your hand. The make-believe vampires on the other side of this insurmountable (completely surmountable) fence will not be eating your make-believe family. Not make-believe today. Not on my make-believe watch.”

He is such a good leader, that the one guy takes him into the secret gun/wine cellar.

Good job, Jason Stackhouse. You get a handjob.

Lafayette is back, and he wants to return to work, but he has got the PTSD. It has changed him. He is quiet and reserved and he does not sass everyone. Something has broken inside of him. What has not broken, though, is his ability to put on a ton of make up.

Still got that!

Oh, and Marianne. Ugh, this plot is not going anywhere. She moves into Sookie’s Grandmother’s house, and Tara is like “you can’t just move in here,” and she’s like, “I thought you wanted us here,” and her boyfriend is like, “that is what family does,” and on the one hand, I know that we’re supposed to understand that there’s this fine line being walked between these guys being sinister and strange but also providing love and support when no one else will, kind of like the way gangs do, or pimps, but at the same time, you would think that ancient Marianne, with her Shimmer Face, would be able to recognize that maybe you can’t just move a bunch of people into someone’s friend’s grandmother’s house? No matter how many grapefruits you cut in half. But I guess I am the one who doesn’t know anything, because after Marianne uses her magic to make everyone scream at Tara, (as if everyone needed a reason to scream at Tara) she is like “I want you guys to move in here, and I am going to call Sookie and tell her that I just invited three incredibly creepy strangers to move into her house, that ought to make it seem like an OK and normal thing.” IN LOUISIANA, MAENADS DO IT WEIRD. That is what my t-shirt says.