Pepsi Cola Murdered Michael Jackson

Says this terrible video from US Weekly that is grim and doesn’t need to exist and my sincerest apologies, in advance, to your eyes.

His head was on fire for a really long time. Someone get the :( extinguisher. According to US Weekly, it was as a result of the second and third degree burns that Michael Jackson suffered that led him to a lifetime of addictions to painkillers and plastic surgery. And all because Pepsi, that asshole, wanted some stupid ad for their SECOND RATE drink. Coke would never have murdered Michael Jackson like this. Way to go, Pepsi*. Drink Coke.

*Also way to go US Weekly. When does the name-change to CLASSIEST Weekly take effect?