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True Blood: Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, Basically

OK, so two weeks ago Sookie got scratched by Pan’s Labyrinth and Bill took her to Fangtasia, which I guess is also basically a Vampire Hospital. She got healed by Eric’s blood, because Eric’s blood is the best blood, or whatever, and this made Bill a little upset because vampires bodies may be dead but their pride is not? In return for letting Sookie drink his blood, Eric asks that she go to Dallas to look for a missing vampire, and Sookie asks for 10,000 dollars. And to have Bill come with her. And to have Lafayette released from the Saw basement. Power moves. Meanwhile, Marianne throws another party, this time at her house, and everyone starts stone-cold fucking and Tara is like “this is weird, I’m going to bed.” Please go to bed, Tara. Everyone at the party’s eyes turn black and also there is a mysterious pig that disappears and Andy Bellefleur is drunk and I am honestly sort of tired of this Marianne mystery, like, just tell us what is going on with her already. Meanwhile, Jason Stackhouse something something church. And Sam turns into a dog and jumps into a lake. Then a waitress comes and jumps in the lake, too, but she also has Pan’s Labyrinth scratches on her back. Oh no!

OK, but so, this week:

All of the guys in the anti-vampire church dormitory put ketchup on their necks and/or sleeveless t-shirts to pretend like there has been a terrible vampire attack. Just a classic vampire prank. Then Jason’s church rival tackles him and pretends to be a vampire who is going to bite him. Then they all laugh at Jason for being scared. Gotcha! Jason gets a split lip. His rival is like “how’s that lip,” and Jason is like “fine, how’s your nose,” and his rival is like, “Huh” and then PUNCH IN THE FACE. Then Jason Stackhouse gives a speech about how vampires are not a joke and how there is a war going on and you are either on the side of the dark or on the side of the light, and clearly PRANKS INVOLVING KETCHUP ARE ON THE SIDE OF THE DARK.

The leaders of the church are loving Jason Stackhouse, though. They have him over for barbecues and they take him out into the forest to shoot vampire targets from a moving golf cart (the way the war against the vampires will inevitably be fought, as the prophecy teaches us) and also they invite him to be a Soldier of the Sun. At first Jason is excited and flattered (who wouldn’t be? Sounds cool!) but when he tells the other guys about it they laugh at him and say that it’s just because the preacher’s wife is attracted to Jason. Sexually! Actually one of the guys says “she wants your hot beef injection, dude,” because it’s 2009 and that’s a thing people say. Anyway, so the preacher’s wife wants Jason’s hot beef injection and now he doesn’t know what to think.

Meanwhile, Sookie wants to help usher Baby Jessica Vampire into the realm of sexual maturity for some reason. And she also wants Tara to move in with her. She gives her a photo for her birthday of the two of them as children with Sookie’s grandmother. Just the kind of thing everyone most wants for their 26th birthday. Yay! And then Sookie goes to Dallas on a private airplane (Anubis Air, get it?) Sookie is all over the place this week. There is a limousine driver waiting for her at the airport but it turns out he is evil and wants to abduct her. Vampire Bill escapes from his Travel Coffin (TRAVEL COFFINS!) and saves her, and now they know that the Texas vampire was abducted by the anti-vampire church. I guess. Also this is the worst:

Professor Duh over here. This is also terrible:

Vampires on the DL! OUCH, MY HEAD! IT HAS BEEN BEATEN OVER!

Eric comes to their vampire hotel (oh, also, there are vampire hotels) and explains that the abducted vampire is the most powerful vampire, and that no vampires are safe now, and also that if he isn’t found soon, then the Texas vampires will wage open war against humans. WHAT? This show. Really going for it. I wish they would wage open war against the humans. Start at the HBO offices and tear them apart.

Lafayette and Vampire Eric are friends now. Lafayette is BACK!

Marianne is not happy that Tara is moving in with Sookie. Now who will eat all of the yogurt parfaits?

But luckily for Marianne, everyone yells at Tara on her birthday and she starts to cry, which allows Marianne and Tara’s Boyfriend to swoop in with a wedding cake and a party. They are like the Scientologists, or any other cult, really! So there is a big party for Tara with gifts and everything, even though Tara doesn’t know who any of the guests are or why they are bringing her gifts. She just wants to dance. And Marianne goes out in the woods and starts shimmering and speaking Da Vinci Code and everyone starts fucking again, as they are wont to do, but also this time eating dirt and having cake attacks with their faces. WHERE DOES CAKE GO? THAT’S RIGHT, ALL OVER MY FACE! Tara and her boyfriend go upstairs and do it. And Sam starts to do it with the waitress, who says that she knows what Sam is. And Marianne has the Pan’s Labyrinth claws! She has been doing all of the scratching! What does this mean?! Do the scratched people become zombies? Marianne is the one who killed the voodoo lady! She also threw Tara’s birthday present from her mother into the bushes! If she is an ancient mythical creature of incredible power, you’d think she would put the gift into the garbage can or the fireplace or make it disappear with magic. No. The bushes is best.

Meanwhile, back at the Vampire Hotel, ANOTHER MIND READER! And he’s a dork!

Woof. This show has actually gotten so ridiculous and terrible that it has almost slingshot itself around the awful moon, Tom Hanks’s Apollo 13-style, and become good. ALMOST.