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NYC Prep: Christmas In July

The show opens with PC talking to Jessie and some other girl in either Jessie or that other girl’s living room and PC is talking about how he can’t wait to go to Cancun to just get away from it all, whatever “it” is when you’re an 18-year-old faineant who’s “really picky about” his “shirts.” But there is something odd about this scene: the arrangement of everyone’s bodies, and I am quite sure their clothing as well, is exactly how they were in a scene in a previous episode. The scene in which PC told Jessie that he was going to have dinner with the girls that they met at the art/fashion/whatever opening and she pretended to care because how else is anyone going to land a job “acting” when this thing ends and all the colleges say “no”? It’s probably cut from the very same scene, Hollywood magic style. Because it’s all a big blur, their dull-but-expensive lives. Besides, the timeline on this episode is fucked anyway.

So, but, PC goes to Cancun, and Oh Jesus, I’m pretty sure that the producers of this show can stop pretending like they pitched it as a “real life Gossip Girl” and start admitting that they pitched it as “a series about how PC is gay” because YIIIIIIIIKES. That is all that this is!

His friend JP picks him up, and there is an awkward hug, and then in the car they reminisce about their boarding school days. “Remember that one time where I was half-naked and your mom walked in?” JP asks. “And I was like, JP, get in the bed!” PC answers. YOU KNOW, BOARDING SCHOOL STORIES. Good old yuck-em-ups. Lots of sailors have experimented on the lonely seas of boarding school. On that very same car ride PC explains that when he tells his friends that he’s going to visit his friend JP in Mexico they’re all disgusted (because of how Mexicans are disgusting [read: poor]) but PC explains that with JP it is different. “He’s the most beautiful…” PC’s voice trails off. Two editors high five each other. “We ruined a child’s life tonight,” one of them says. They take a cigarette break.

Later, at the pool, more clever editing.

And all of this:

PC takes a drink from his friend’s drink at the bar, but it turns out it’s not his friend’s drink, it was a stranger’s drink, and PC is mad at his friends for letting him do that because of what he might get from taking that mystery drink. His friends know exactly what he might get.

It’s basically a hate crime at this point, what this show is doing.

Not that PC doesn’t bring it on himself. Twice in this episode girls try to hit on him at a club and he not only blows them off, which would be one thing, but he acts petulant and angry that he can’t get rid of them fast enough. At one point he tells a girl who wants to dance with him at Senor Frogs (SENOR FROGS!) that he feels like breaking a bottle in her face. Sure. Just a totally normal heterosexual dude responding to the advances of a pretty young woman, with hyperviolence and confused rage. He interviews that the reason he didn’t want to dance with her was because she was drunk, and he does not like people who make a fool of themselves on the dance floor. And then two seconds later he was freaking with an obese woman.

I’m not saying obese women can’t get their groove back with 18-year-old man-children at Senor Frogs, I’m just saying let’s be careful who we criticize for looking ridiculous on the dance floor in our desperate attempts to avoid coming into physical contact with a vagina, PC.

Meanwhile, everyone else. Jessie’s storyline is about how her friend thinks that she should date PC because of all the “sexual tension” between them and how they are in love with each other. No. What Jessie’s storyline should have been was about why she thinks it’s OK to wear suspenders to the beach.

One of the other anonymous, interchangeable girls whose names I refuse to remember has a death in the family. Oh no! Death is very serious and painful for everyone! They’ve been using it in all of the trailers for the show to let audiences know that shit is going to get real. Except something seems kind of off. Parents be way too calm in the breakfast nook as they deliver the news. Oh, it turns out she’s talking about A FUCKING DOG. Lame. They have a funeral for the dog. She can barely bring herself to get out of the car, she’s so distraught.”I didn’t want this to happen.” What an asshole.

Sebastian has lunch with his father, who seems to be living vicariously through Sebastian’s dick. If it’s the holidays, why isn’t anyone spending Christmas with their families? I mean, I’m sure the families were like “we don’t want any camera crews to disrupt the sacred familial tradition,” but you already signed the permission slips, idiots. You might as well at least try to get five minutes of air time suggesting that you aren’t all criminally negligent monsters. “But I appeared on the show having lunch with my son and praising him for his Jr. Womanizer ways.” Perfect. I hope everyone on this show gets run over by a limousine.

POSTSCRIPT: Did you know that one of the show’s Producers who came up with the idea in the first place used to be a teacher at one of the schools where castmembers go to school? A teacher! She should be ashamed of herself. She and Mary Kay Letourneau should be forced to fight each other to the death, and whoever wins goes (back) to jail.