An Open Letter To Corey Feldman

Dear Corey Feldman,

I need your help. Can you please make this whole Michael Jackson thing be over now?

Obviously, Michael Jackson meant a lot to millions of people. But the media frenzy over his death seems both hyperbolic and deeply disingenuous. For one, he was a human being, and human beings die in the thousands every single day. He was a “special” human being, I suppose, but surely we could have reminded ourselves of the specialness of him in about 1/10th of the time and fanfare that we took to do so. Which would still be more than the media spends on most actual issues that affect real people’s on-going lives. And the pageantry! Dude was buried in a solid gold coffin? Come on, guys. The media didn’t put him in that solid gold coffin, but they certainly put in him in a solid gold coffin of WORDS. And the fact of the matter is that while the man’s musical legacy will live on for decades (or at least until the world is covered in water, in 2011), he was deeply troubled, and wasting away in a personal hell for the past 20 years. That has been briefly mentioned but quickly hidden away. Which is fine. Except if you aren’t going to deal with HALF of his life, then what has TAKEN SO LONG. This memorial feels like it’s been going on forever.

You of all people, dressed in your Michael Jackson tribute costume, must recognize that everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way. Perhaps the pomp of the past week has helped the bizarre and fractured Jackson family come to some kind of momentary peace as they face the inevitable future of further unraveling and public disagreements without Michael to bring the attention everyone over there seems to so desperately crave. I hope it brought them some kind of meaningful experience. But not everyone was necessarily on board, right? Where was Macaulay Culkin, for example? And why was he allowed to opt out of this, while the rest of the world was forced to participate? I feel like we’ve all been dragged by our eye-heels through some obscene, grotesque carnival of death. Because the reality is that we have been celebrating Michael Jackson’s passing as much as we have been celebrating his life. With him gone we can just remember him the way we want to, without all the ickyness attached to the way he actually was for a very, very long time.

Well OK, then. Fair enough. He is gone. So we can remember him however we want.

But can we fucking move on now, Corey Feldman? Can we pack up the tent and take down the rides and remember that there are real things happening in the world right now that genuinely matter? When I go to a news website, can it not be populated with 15 different stories about what people like you were fucking wearing at the Memorial service that more than 30 million people (30 million!) watched? Can we pretend like this is any other pop cultural event and forget about it almost as quickly as it happened because we don’t have the attention for anything anymore?

Can you please use your enormous star power as one of Hollywood’s A-List to do this? Thanks.

Someone Who Believes That It Is Still 1986 And That Corey Feldman Is The Person To Talk To

P.S. (Image via HuffingtonPost.)