When you and your boyfriend, Captyn Zodiak, first started going out, your friends wanted to support you. Sure, he would show up to a dinner party empty handed and put his bare feet up on the table. Sure, a pot-leaf bandanna and reflective Oakley wraparounds seemed to be his version of formal eveningwear. Sure, he said that the reason he called everyone Gaia was because he had trouble remembering names. And sure, he still smoked Djarums even though it’s been more than 20 years since he graduated high school. But you seemed really focused on self-improvement, which was better than a lot of your previous relationships. And if impromptu kitchen drum circles and impromptu living room poetry jams were part of that, your friends were willing to play along.
Until they realized that your boyfriend, Captyn Zodiak, was actually just ridiculous, and probably mentally unstable. Lydia swears she caught him in Todd’s bathroom one time trying to eat incense.
He’s like a cross between Rocky Balboa, Eric Nies, and a clown. Let’s paint, exercise, and take our brain medicine, Captyn Zodiak.
P.S. Holy shit.
(Thanks for the tip, Darius.)