What Is Your Gwyneth Paltrow Name?

Gwyneth Paltroooooowwwwwwww! Killing it! Everything she does is perfect. Wait, what did I say? Everything she does is retarded? Perfect. From her latest issue of Goop:

The summer before last, a mutual friend brought the lovely Katie Lee Joel and her husband William over for dinner. Much to my delight, she brought a fresh batch of these cookies with her. I adore the contrast of the dark chocolate and the cherries – heaven.

Right. William Joel. That’s what everyone calls him. The piano sir.

Man, Gwyneth Paltrow, everybody. The only person who somehow manages to take the awfulness of name dropping to a the next level! This ain’t your father’s name dropping. Let’s hear it for her!

If a mutual friend ever invited me to dinner with Gwyneth Paltrow and to Gwyneth’s delight I or my guest brought a delicious dish that Gwyneth wanted to share the recipe for in her newsletter, my name would appear in Goop like this:

Little Lord Gabriel

Which is why I would say no to that invitation. I would be so sorry. I would have something really important to do that night that I would have had on my calendar for months. Sorry! Air kisses!

I’m pretty sure the way this generator works is you just use your full first name, and then you add something really pretentious and stupid to it. And then you kill yourself. Have fun. (Thanks for the tip, “Hennessy.”)