Somebody Worked Really Hard On This, Unfortunately

Online video is such a new medium that we don’t yet have an aesthetic scale for measuring the worth of one video over another, yet. Which is mostly good — the web is democratic, and different things appeal to different people. One man’s internet-only Network TV webisode (junk) is another man’s Box Cat (treasure). And unlike, say, a movie, with online video you can stop watching whenever you want. And, anyway, everyone knows the best online videos are found, not made. But while we await the arrival of made-for-the-internet camp classics, the so-bad-they’re-good Showgirls and Troll 2s of the YouTube era, touchstones that will forever define the ironic reaches of the medium, this is the worst fucking thing I’ve ever seen:

Billy Mays’s “Suicide Putty”:

Now. What separates Billy Mays’s Suicide Putty from a video blogger falling asleep while eating an ice cream cone half-naked and drooling melted ice cream all over himself while “Single Ladies” plays on repeat one in the background, or whatever, is, obviously, the TIME IT TOOK SOME GUY to put it together. Like with bad movies, it’s all the trying that makes it so bad. Which sucks, because trying is good, and everyone should always be trying (ABT), and people should be encouraged to just put things out there and see what sticks. All artists (or whatever) have to fail constantly in order to succeed a few times. And obviously, with over 100k views, this stuck, so who even knows. But that video is HORRIBLE! It’s not even based on anything. It’s not even real satire. I hate it so much, I want to stab it. There should be a special internet version of Direct-to-DVD for videos like that, the end. (For a reminder of how a Billy Mays Might Putty parody is done, here is how it’s done.)