Going Down The Dan Quinn Rabbit Hole

Yesterday, we learned that Dan Quinn was a fighter, a scientist, the future richest man in the planet (yes, in the planet), a fan of Dave Chappelle, and a vlogger. The thing is, you can take the red pill or the blue pill–and I like to believe that Dan Quinn would be fucking pumped about a Matrix reference, playa–and I have foolishly elected to take the red pill and now I am basically free-falling because where Dan Quinn takes us we don’t need roads. Huh?

So, if you will remember from yesterday, Dan Quinn is about to blow this whole science thing wide open with his discovery of putting a controversial sweetener, Stevia, in a blender with water. Now you’ve got pure H20, homeboy. Only drink it to the soap, though. (What?) Now, a tipster (thanks, Graham) sent in a link to a physics message board on which Dan Quinn pleads his case to actual scientists for why Stevia in a blender is the missing link that Einstein failed to discover (spaceship fuel, playa!), and I am telling you, the more you know about this guy, the more you relate to Joe Pantoliano’s character Cypher in the movie The Matrix (two Matrix references, Dan, you’re really doing it!).

“Why didn’t I take the blue pill”
–Joe Pantoliano

Dan Quinn’s bulletins posted on the physics message board are categorically nuts. Here is one sample:

If ever there was an instance to take a leap of faith, and just BLEND STEVIA IN WATER, this is truly it. Adding energy to Stevia and Water splits Water into a Soup that I believe is split h2o. The fact that Soup ‘returns’/seperates into 2 distinct layers, one being pure h2o and the other being foam that ph’d toxic on a digital ph’er should tell you that Stevia is changing water in some form or fashion. All it would take is a $10 investment at a local health food store, and blending some in water. The American FDA illegalized Stevia for a reason. Because they don’t like anything that’s good or healthy for the population generally. Stevia seems to be an answer from mother nature that wasn’t allowed for in the rules and laws that govern physics and the other sciences. Please, just take the time to blend some Stevia in Water. And I know that you won’t regret the decision to do so. I state that Stevia is the ‘missing link’ for Cold Fission that Einstein couldn’t find. And if he couldn’t find it, no one probably could. The fact that Stevia seperates chemicals from the h2o molecule, as well as me literally feeling my body purging itself when I started to use Stevia should be an indication that something out of the ordinary is going on here. What if I’m correct about this? All you have to do is take $10, and an hour out of your day, to blend Stevia in Water. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

Cold fission, playa! What if he is right about this? There is absolutely no way to know whether ornothe is right about this. The American FDA is always illegalizing things because they don’t like anything good or healthy for the population generally. Dan Quinn’s username is dqcelticwarrior because Dan Quinn is a pimp.

We’re gonna need a bigger brain hospital!

In today’s Dan Quinn video, he claims that he is a spiritual god here to free all the slaves, that he’s also nominated for “Poet of the Year,” and that he was the inspiration for the Bad Boy sticker. That last one, to be fair, sounds totally legitimate, because Bad Boy stickers are some of the worst stickers out there.

Of course, I’m not the first person to discover the secret delights of Dan Quinn. It’s like they always say, “ask the internet for a Dan Quinn soundboard, receive a Dan Quinn soundboard.” Then call a restaurant:

The bird flu vacuum war is hell.

Thanks, sort of, to Joe Mande for his consistent research into the Dan Quinn phenomenon.