Videogum

When Life Gives You Lemonade Make Crazy Rants

According to a post over on Boing Boing, there’s a dude in Malibu who sells his own lemonade, but when you buy a bottle you also get a piece of his mind. And his mind is filled with super-frustrations over the world’s inability to recognize his genius when it comes to writing movies. Remember, this is all printed on a cool, crisp, refreshing bottle of delicious, tart lemonade:

THANK YOU FOR INVESTING IN MY MOVIE!

My name is Matthew and I am one of the best screenwriters in Hollywood. Unfortunately, the television networks and movie studios don’t know that yet. As it stands, the decision of which films get produced are left in the hands of emotionally-immature, substance-abusing ex-lawyers who live in dread paranoia that everyone in the universe is out to get them. They spend the bulk of their time spying on their fellow executives, composing nasty counter-intelligence rumors and spreading them through their network of FA-BU-LOUS, yet cunning assistants.

Ice cold zingonade. Matthew sure told the industry bigshots what’s what. In any case, this is basically just viral marketing. One man’s high-speed globally connected internet connection is another man’s ramshackle lemonade stand in Malibu. Except, one of the ways in which viral marketing succeeds is in its ability to be really quick and concise in its message. And Matthew’s anti-Hollywood lemonade screed keeps going on, and on, and on:

Much of the actual work, like “reading” is left to a gaggle of twenty-something interns who are all the product of George W. Bush’s “No Child Left Behind” policy. To these bimbos, nothing in the world existed before 1995, and the most reading they’ve done has been through text messages. They believe that good writing is something that fits into 160 characters, all performed with the thumbs. :)LOL!

Needless to say, I’m making my own damn movie and you just helped! All of the profits from this amazingly refreshing drink are going into my independent film. Why? Because I believe in the spirit of America – CONSUME AND DESTROY! POOR=BAD/RICH=GOOD! WAR IS PEACE! YOU-ESS-AY! YOU-ESS-AY! YEE-HAW!

Any-hoo, if you work in “THE INDUSTRY” as a common below-the-line slob and would like to work on my film for less than you’re worth for no other reason but to satisfy my giant ego, send your resume to: [email protected]

If you’re a producer with a distribution deal, somewhat sober, and capable of actually reading a screenplay by yourself, shoot an email to me as well. I’ll be happy to send a script to you along with your stupid submission release agreement boilerplate wank-rag.

If you are an actor, congratulations on making it this far. It’s a lot of words. Who’s a good boy? You! And you are very special. Plus, you serve specials at the restaurant. Special food served by special people to special people. Okay, I admit it. I’m just jealous because you are better looking than me and get all the hotties. Girls who go for me are all smart ‘n’ junk. Plus, they sag. And you’re in SAG. Isn’t that special?!

Agents, entertainment lawyers, managers and all other Pimps of The Antichrist can do us all a favor by simply killing yourselves. If you can, try to attempt a single moment of original, creative thought by finding an entertaining way to do it. Like performing seppuku with a champagne flute during the lunch rush at The Ivy. Or hang yourself from one of “O’s” in the Hollywood sign with a noose made from your Kabbalah strings and rubber cancer-awareness bracelets. Either way, die bloodsucker! Die!

Cheers!

Ahhhhhh.

If this guy is even half as good at creating characters and writing dialogue as he is at writing COMPLETELY INSANE self promotional ad copy on bottles of homemade lemonade, Hollywood should hire him because he’s really, really good at that.