Oh No, People Are Having Sex In Taco Bell Bathrooms!

Today’s most Onion-like real local news report comes from South Bend, Indiana, where an enterprising reporter by the name of Alana Greenfogel very seriously and hysterically investigates an incident in which two children walked in on four people having sex in a Taco Bell bathroom. Alana wants us to know that even though this incident “goes beyond borderline disturbing” (making it “disturbing”), “people are having sex everywhere, all the time.” Basically you could substitute “people having sex” with “zombies” and this entire report would work beautifully:

(Be sure to watch ’til Alana’s closing at the end):

Yes, it is disturbing that that happened, but I don’t think it’s the matter of national security they’re making it out to be. It seems like Alana is torn between her desire to whip up hysteria and ride it to the anchor’s chair, and her love of sweet, sweet Taco Bell.