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You Can Make It Up: Jamie Foxx Calls Miley Cyrus To Apologize

Jamie Foxx threw down the Polaroids he had just taken of his dick, the ones he had been staring at thoughtfully for the past half hour, and picked up the phone. He would have one of his personal assistants file the dick Polaroids under today’s date in the dick Polaroids filing cabinet where he kept the daily Polaroids he took of his own dick later. For now, he had a phone call to make.

“Hello?” a throaty, overly mature for its age voice on the other end answered.

Jamie Foxx paced the room topless in his silk pajama bottoms, staring at his abs in the full-length gold-framed mirror that took up his entire bedroom wall. He got a boner. Jamie Foxx flexed his biceps and drank a smoothie and flipped through an interview he did with a small German magazine in 1996 that featured a photo of him wearing a coat that looked like it was made out of a polar bear. Jamie Foxx thought he ought to get himself a polar bear coat like that. It was three minutes before he replied.

“Miley Cyrus, this is Jamie Foxx, star of the movie Stealth, and a comedian.”

“Who?” Miley Cyrus asked.

“Miley Cyrus, this is Jamie Foxx, star of the movie Stealth, and a comedian.”

“Who’s Jamie Foxx? You sound like my grandpa!”

Jamie Foxx had asked his publicist to write out a script of what he should say to Miley Cyrus when he called her, but it didn’t include a response to her question. Jamie Foxx set down the phone and tried to think of what to say next. He masturbated to climax. He did a set of crunches with his feet tucked under the bed. He did a Google search on his laptop for “fresh ass polar bear coat.” 10 minutes went by. He picked up the phone.

“Miley Cyrus, this is Jamie Foxx, star of the movie Stealth, and a comedian. I am calling to apologize for my actions. What I have done is regrettable, but as you may or may not know, I am a comedian. The words that I said on my Sirius satellite radio program about you were meant as jokes but they went to far. You know my heart. I have teenage daughters of my own and that is why I am calling you. Please accept my apology, and please have your publicist release a statement saying that you have accepted my apology. Pause to let her respond.”

Miley didn’t say anything. The only sound from the other end was of allowance money being counted by a casino-bank-grade money counter, and a menthol cigarette being surreptitiously smoked. And then Jamie Foxx could hear Miley talking to someone else.

“I don’t know, it’s some old man. Like, really old. 25 probably. He’s probably some creep who takes Polaroids of his dick all day or something–“

Jamie Foxx looked down at his dick and tried to remember if he’d taken his Polaroids of it today or not. He shrugged. He got another hard on.

“–he said something about a raydeeo, whatever that is. These candy underwear Justin gave me are really uncomfort–“

There was a click and a dialtone. Jamie Foxx sat for 45 minutes on the edge of his bed, listening to the dial tone and stroking his penis.

Finally he said “Well I am glad that’s all taken care of,” to no one.