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The Hills: The Devil Wears People’s Revolution

I’m tired. Watching this show is like carrying a dead body over rocky terrain. Not that I have any idea what that’s like, and I’d be happy to never actually compare the two experiences. But it’s so much useless weight, and it’s amazing how long a half hour can feel. Because, the truth is that I am more willing than most to willfully suspend my disbelief, but when it is reported three days before a new episode that Heidi and Spencer are getting married for the season finale, I cannot honestly be expected to waste the golden years of my life pretending that I care that he’s fake flirting with a fake waitress and that Heidi fake walked in on him and fake confronted him and they fake broke up. And if the whole thing is just a narrative set-up for their happy reconciliation, which it is, because they get married, then they really needn’t have bothered. I don’t need to feel the threat of their relationship’s demise in order to enjoy the extraordinary excitement of their happy reunion. Because I don’t give a shit. Break up. Get married. Drop dead. It’s all the same to me. This episode was called “I’m Done With You,” which is about right.

So, Heidi and Spencer blah blah blah. Fake fake fake. At the end of the episode a waiter walks up after Heidi threatens to leave Spencer forever if he doesn’t go to couple’s therapy, and the waiter says, “can I get you anything else?” And Heidi says, “no, we’re done here,” which is just crazy how well that worked out, you know, for the drama, and it’s so lucky that the waiter agreed to let himself be taped and also has a SAG card and is a paid actor because BULLSHIT.

The real drama this week is with Kelly Cutrone:

She tells Lauren that she has an opening for a new intern at People’s Revolution now that Whitney left, whoever that is. Because that is how you run a business. When there is an opening, you find the person who doesn’t actually work for you but is simply a promotional tool to get your brand more recognition in the coveted 12-15 year-old market, and you ask them if they know of anyone who would be a good fit, because if anyone understands business and hard work it’s the girl who’s been a reality TV star since her junior year in high school.

Naturally, she “suggests” Stephanie. And then this happens:

Perfect. FIRE AND ICE. It’s like a clash of titans, if titans means two horrible people who are the worst. On the one hand, someone saying “my final objective in life is to have my own line of handbags” is obviously hilarious, and you should definitely hire them and make them the CEO of your company because they moved your cheese. On the other hand, shut the fuck up, Kelly Cutrone. I like that she “doesn’t read resumes” but then gives Stephanie a hard time about her resume? I’m all about giving Stephanie Pratt a hard time, but DON’T PLAY GAMES. And maybe the reason she didn’t understand your French, Kelly Cutrone, was not because she lied and doesn’t speak it (although I’m sure that’s true, actually, so is not JUST because she lied and doesn’t speak it) but because your French is terrible you pretentious, monster-faced Tommy Wiseau.

I cannot believe it’s taken that long for this comparison to be made. My bad, you guys. I’ll take the fall on that one.

Later, Kelly tells Lauren that the interview went horribly. So horribly, in fact, that she’s thinking of giving Stephanie the job, because it went so badly that maybe Stephanie’s a genius. Right. I mean, there’s no way to know whether or not Stephanie Pratt is a genius. If only there were seasons and seasons of televised footage of her so that we could know one way or the other whether or not Stephanie Pratt is a total genius. What’s most depressing about this whole episode is that Kelly Cutrone tries to pull all these power moves like she’s a tough shrewd business woman who doesn’t put up with nonsense, when the fact of the matter is that she has placed the success of her company into the hands of frivolous half-literate Birkin Hags. The Hills is obviously great (or terrible) marketing for People’s Revolution, and Lauren is the one in charge of whether or not it keeps being great (or terrible) marketing by deciding whether or not to stop in for 20 minutes and pretend to rearrange a rack of jeans on her way to the Cocaine Frappucino store. So relax, Kelly Cutrone. We know who wears the a-line summer-weight tie-dyed slacks around here.

Kelly Cutrone, I’m done with you.