Martellus Bennett, the Dallas Cowboys tight end, whatever that means, has written an excoriating blog post on the powerful subject of WOMEN BE FARTING. As far as he is concerned, this is the worst thing since WOMEN BE VOTING. Fair enough. But in the post (via Yahoo! Sports Blog), Bennett proposes a hypothetical situation involving an Angelina Jolie fart, and it is basically my favorite idea of what Hollywood is like that I’ve ever read:
I guess women have to let go at times too but it just doesn’t seem right, but if they do then it shouldn’t smell or make a sound. I mean come on if you were on a date with Angelina Jolie a lunch date eating spaghetti and pancakes or whatever it is people eat in Hollywood and as she’s feeding you she farts. Do you let her slide because of her beauty or call her out?
SPAGHETTI AND PANCAKES OR WHATEVER IT IS PEOPLE EAT IN HOLLYWOOD. The best. I also like that Angelina Jolie farts while she is feeding you because of how of course she is feeding you. You know, Hollywood stuff. How else are you going to eat lunch?
It’s weird that he didn’t mention the hovercrafts or the monkey butlers, but otherwise it’s basically like reading Sammy Glick’s blog. (Thanks for the tip, Edith.)