Videogum

Who Should Retire From Hollywood?

According to the New York Post, Viggo Mortensen may be retiring from movies:

The “Lord of the Rings” star tells The Times of London he’s grown tired of the travel and promotional burdens imposed by the film business. “No more movies. I haven’t said yes to one in over a year,” he says. “If it all dries up now, I’ve had a good run.”

The career has changed, he can feel it in the water. Get it? You get it. This is not great news, though. Aragorn! History of Violence guy! Dreams of Hidalgo 2 shattered. JK, but Viggo is a really good actor. I often like his movies. And what’s worse, the less time Mortensen spends acting, the more time he’ll have to dedicate to his terrible poetry.

This news, of course, comes on top of the long running Joaquin Phoenix rap-hoax, which is ridiculous of course, but the truth is that Joaquin Phoenix is a really great actor and he should keep doing make believe in movies as his job, because he’s talented at that, and the world doesn’t need another Jamie Kennedy Experiment. We didn’t even need the one we had!

These guys who are actually good should stop retiring from Hollywood when there are so many other people who should retire first. For example:

Jay Mohr
Duh. The worst. He’s smug and painfully unfunny and all the signs suggest that he’s a jerk, too. A jerk! He should go play golf, or masturbate to a picture of himself, or whatever it is Jay Mohr does when he’s not ruining entertainment.

Eddie Murphy
A legend. Eddie Murphy should be dipped in gold and put in a glass case for all of America to come and admire. But he shouldn’t be allowed within 50 feet of a fat suit or old person make-up. Surely the man has a private island to move to.

Justin Timberlake
I like Justin Timberlake’s music. He should totally keep doing that. But with Alpha Dog, Southland Tales, and The Love Guru under his belt, I think it’s safe to say that we’re not dealing with a triple-threat here.

Brittany Murphy
Just kidding. I know she’s already retired.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore
I’m not even talking about movies. These two should retire from Hollywood, if you know what I am saying. Enough. Twitter is not going to convince me of your relevance, needy clowns.

Congratulations! I got all you guys a cake.

Close enough! Byeeeeeeee.