Yesterday, USA Today published a list of the robots that will be appearing in this summer’s Transformers 2: The Edge of Reason (via /Film, FilmDrunk). I’m not going to republish the entire list here because if you really care (which you don’t) you can do the research yourself, but it is hilarious. Here is a sample:
Arcee: A female Autobot – Megan Fox’s hot-pink motorcycle.
Jetfire: A fighter plane crash-landed on Earth a long time ago, and he will become a reformed Decepticon now fighting for the humans. His alternate form is the SR-71 Blackbird, a sleek Cold War spy plane. “He’s old, craggy, forgetful … doesn’t work very well. Can’t transform very well, because he’s very geriatric. They get stuck with him a lot,” [Michael] Bay says.
Sideswipe: A candy-apple red Lamborghini in the original, joins the cast this time as General Motor’s silver Corvette Stingray concept car.
Starscream: Formerly Megatron’s second in command, he escaped at the end of the first movie; F-22 Raptor jet.
The Fallen: An ancient robot, sort of the Transformers’ version of Lucifer.
Haha. “Sort of” the Transformer’s version of Lucifer. Sort of. Not exactly. You get the gist. And my favorite:
Soundwave: A cassette player in the original toys. An evil communications expert but this time in the form of an orbiting space satellite.
I’ll admit that a cassette player is not very exciting, but an orbiting space satellite doesn’t exactly raise the tiny hairs on the back of my neck either. ANYWAY, after the jump, I have a list of some of the robots that will NOT be appearing in Transformers 2, because I just made them up:
RollerSkream: A rollerskate that turns into a Lamborghini, also is a toaster oven and a reconnaissance expert.
Senor Beans 2.0: An Hispanic robot that looks like some kind of stereotypical Hispanic car, maybe a tricked-out Camry with lots of detailing and a rear window decal? Something you would see in the Puerto Rican day parade, basically.
Brian: a sensible, used sedan that gets good mileage and likes to think of itself as a reasonable sacrifice made in order to give humanity’s children a decent education.
Pepsitron: A can of Pepsi that transforms into a subtle advertisement for Pepsi.
Hitlerbot: Sort of like the Transformers Hitler.
To be fair, as stupid and/or racist as these are, we are talking about a Michael Bay movie about robots that turn into GM cars you can buy next fall, so, you know, who’s the idiot? OK, but besides me?