Lindsay Lohan Downgraded From “Celebrity” To “Lady Of Interest”

Lindsay Lohan, whoever that is, has been having a pretty rough week. First there was an interview with her in which she blamed her “sicko fans” for why she can’t get work. I’m not defending the “sicko fans,” but I feel like one of the defining characteristics of “sicko fans” is their total insignificance and impotence in every aspect of their lives. It’s specifically due to their inability to affect any kind of meaningful change on the world that they become “sicko fans,” so they probably can’t destroy a career. Cocainetinis, knife play, fake lesbianism, and a nightmare mom do that. Lindsay also added:

“I’d like to have my own charity, do work overseas, be in Oscar-nominated films, write movies, produce movies/shows/videos, design clothes, make music, write books, etc. It’s all possible if people would just stop judging me and accusing me and making me out to be this aloof, spoiled, ungrateful and unprofessional person that I am not and could never be.”

Is this real life? You know who she sounds like? This guy. Anyway, now it is being reported that her first movie in two years, Labor Pains, is not only going to skip theaters, but is debuting on ABC Family. YA BURNT. That is the worst. People whose movies are going straight-to-DVD are laughing. They’re like “straight to suck it” and pointing at their dicks. Even MTV is calling the game on account of :(. MTV! The most important news source!

I think it’s pretty safe to say that we can officially downgrade Lindsay Lohan from “celebrity” to “lady of interest.” Obviously she’s still getting her picture taken a lot and people are curious about her relationship with that weird dude, but she’s not actually a celebrity anymore. She doesn’t do anything. She doesn’t work. She’s not even on a reality show. She’s just, you know, a lady of interest. IF YOU BLOG IT, IT SHALL BE!

P.S. Remember when she was in A Prairie Home Companion? That was weird then and it is weird now and it will always be weird.