Videogum

Gossip Girl: Grandfather Can Be Very Persuasive

Vanessa and Dan are heading over to Nate’s house to watch some college basketball and talking all about the European vacation Vanessa is planning on taking with Nate this summer. Uh oh. Not two seconds into this week’s episode and I already know at least one European vacation that is going to get canceled for some reason. When they get to Nate’s he is standing outside talking to his cousin Trip, a dapper, even-gayer-than-Nate, Patrick Bateman type. Trip just stopped by to try and convince Nate to attend a family function at his grandfather’s castle that weekend. You know, the way cousins are always stopping by. Especially rich cousins who are engaged and go to law school, just constantly swinging by to do some gentle convincing. Nate is like there is no way that I want to spend time with the people who shut me and my mom out when my dad got busted. Classic Nate. But Vanessa convinces him that he should go because of how he told her how much he used to look forward to Christmas? Right. What a unique snowflake! If there is any theme to this week’s Gossip Girl it is that the more we learn about these characters, the more they are hilarious paper dolls cut from a sheet made of half-hearted cliches.

Stepford Cousins, basically

Nate’s grandpa, Sir Ian McKellan basically, helicopters onto the castle’s polo grounds. Nate brought Dan and Vanessa for the weekend? Vanessa, sure, but Dan? Careful, Dan! Oh, whoops, helicopter blade in the face! Everyone enjoys some typical blue blood MGMT touch football.

Nate’s grandfather is like “personally, I prefer the African-influenced rhythms of Vampire Weekend.” Also, what the fuck is Vanessa talking about? “The only thing Nate has ever voted on is American Idol“? For someone who is supposedly so thoughtful and politically-minded, she’s a really dismissive and condescending asshole. In any event, this conversation sets up the rest of the episode’s Vanessa vs. Nate’s Grandfather battle. It’s one of the classic narrative conflicts:

  • Man vs. Nature
  • Man vs. Himself
  • Man vs. Robots
  • Vanessa vs. Grandpas

She doesn’t want to see Nate get interested in politics because he wasn’t interested in politics before, and if there’s one thing about being a high school senior it’s that you should have all of your interests picked out and if you change your interests then you aren’t being true to your perfectly-selected and carefully-thought-out 18-year-old self. Exactly. Seriously, what is wrong with Vanessa? More like Vanasshole!

So Nate takes a summer internship in the mayor’s office, which means the European summer vacation is canceled, which is definitely a bummer, but it was SNOWING when this episode began, so I feel fairly confident that Vanessa will have some time to work it out. Maybe she can take a solo trip to whatever country Hostel is about, hint hint, kill her.

Meanwhile, Lily is talking to her art buyer, the woman in charge of buying all of the paintings for the Van Der Woodsen/Bass/Rufus penthouse, because in these tough economic times it’s important to have A FUCKING ART BUYER, and she tells Lily that she went on a date with Rufus. So Lily decides that they should both write lists of all their former lovers and show them to each other so that everything is out in the open. What a terrible idea, Lily. But not quite as bad of an idea as WORKING ON THE LIST AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN.

We’re gonna need a bigger t-shirt!

So Lily and Rufus have a fight because of how Lily’s mom vagina is all worn out, Slash-style, and there’s also this weird on-going thing about egg rolls? Like Rufus is on the phone to the restaurant and is like “don’t forget the egg rolls!” and the restaurant is probably like “dude, relax, go find out where your children are and raise them,” and then later they are eating and Lily is like “this looks great, you even remembered the egg rolls.” One of the Gossip Girl writers had a real problem getting some egg rolls a couple weeks ago, and now the whole world has to deal with it. But as much as I wish those egg rolls were filled with poison, and lemongrass scented death foam started pouring out of Rufus’s and Lily’s mouths and eyes, their fight still results in the best part of the entire episode (on a scale from 1 to LOL) when Rufus comes back with a new list, and Lily starts reading it, and the list says “Romance Novels, Sonoma Cabernets, Christmas Tree Ornaments,” and Rufus says “that’s the only list I need to know.” Because it’s a list of Lily’s favorite things. HAHAHAHHAHA.

Hey Lily, your favorite things are RETARDED.

There’s also, of course, the Blair Been Had Gone Crazy plotline.

She’s out of control!

She’s trying to destroy herself! No one even recognizes her anymore! Chuck can’t save her!

She’s a nihilist! Is she working for the sex club?! No, she’s begging to get let in to Sarah Lawrence! It’s too late! Carter Baizen ruined her! Serena buys Chuck Baizzen a ticket to Dubai! That’s a thing that people do!

But what is this? BLAIR AND NATE ABOUT 2 BEEN HAD GETTING BACK 2GETHER?!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bingo.

Chuck is bored, and you ruined his heart!