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That’s Your Belt: The Belt Sword

Holy shit, dude. RELAX! Put your belt sword away!

You guys, how long have you been wondering when someone would finally invent a 33-inch long sword that was concealable in an ugly belt (also known as “your belt”) that you could wear awkwardly slung over your waist? Well, THE WAIT IS OVER. Introducing the Belt Sword. Incredible. Your Dungeon Master is going to be so jealous.

Nothing that I could say about the belt sword could possibly be as funny or as CRAMAZING as the list of applications provided by beltswords.com:

  • A Magic Act: because your friends will not believe there own eyes. How can a massive sword be totally hidden and released from its containment system in less than a “blink of an eye”.
  • A Novelty: Fun to use and amaze your friends. The RazorSword is massive!
  • A Survival Tool: The BeltSword System may be used as a “machete-like” tool that has many functions for camping, hiking, or survival. You may wrap matches in the handle and the handle is 15-20 feet of nylon cord which may be used for emergency purposes.

A magic act AND a survival tool. Your friends (if you, the proud owner of a belt sword, actually have friends) will not believe there [sic] own eyes. We’re gonna need a bigger LOL. But that is just the beginning. There are so many more applications of the belt sword. Follow the jump to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

  • Self-Defense: In states that allow concealed carry and if you have a concealed carry permit; you may use the BeltSword System as a self-defense tool. Deployment is faster than a handgun and you will never need to worry about shooting an innocent person blocks away.
  • Cutting Power: Even the dull blade of the RazorSword cuts as well or nearly as well as a machete. You may sharpen the RazorSword and it will cut better than a Samurai Sword or a machete.
  • Greatest Weapon: What is the greatest weapon? The “Element of Surprise”! No other massive sword has “this” at a mere “touch” the RazorSword is released into strike mode. Search me.you can’t find it!
  • Military: There are military applications. Unable to comment.
  • Police: There are law enforcement applications.
  • Martial Arts: There is a real spiritual aspect to the martial arts and also to the RazorSword. The Soul of the Sword is only as honorable as its guardian.
  • Future: We are conducting experiment with various BeltSword Systems as a complete weapon platform. It will be capable of holding multiple weapons with simultaneous deployment. It will be better that a science fiction movie!

There is a real spiritual aspect to the belt sword. THERE ARE LAW ENFORCEMENT APPLICATIONS! Search me I can’t find it. No other sword is so massive.

The belt sword completes me.

But wait, what if you aren’t a visibly uncomfortable mousy girl in a turtleneck standing in a high school A/V room doing a demo of the belt sword as a favor to your cousin? Can the belt sword be worn by a half-naked girl wearing only a thong?

There are half-naked girl wearing only a thong applications. Unable to comment.

(There is not a thank you big enough for this tip, [is what she said], Sonia.)