The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Like Walking In Sand Made Of Tears, Tear Sand

When I was a kid, my family went on a camping trip, and we visited what was supposedly the tallest sand dune in America. Or the steepest? The point is that we visited a very tall and steep sand dune. Running down that sand dune was so great. What a wild ride! But from the bottom, at the edge of a lake, where someone had used rocks to spell out “Help Us” (seriously), the top of that sand dune suddenly looked impossibly high. Why, the top of that sand dune might as well have been in space. As we made the trip back up, every footstep slid back in the sand; the hot burning sand, under a hot unforgiving sun. My family separated, everyone realizing that this was a personal horror that they would have to suffer alone. After the first couple of minutes, no one spoke. The corned beef hash and eggs over medium (because I like things the way I like them) that I ate for breakfast began to repeat on me. If I’d had the energy to even think of anything other than blind, Sisyphean dedication to getting to the top of that relentless mountain, I would have run back down to the beach and used one of the Help Us rocks to bash my face in. It took over an hour to get back to our car, and no one in my family has spoken since.

You might think I am telling you that story as a metaphor for what The Hunt has become. That with every terrible movie viewed, it only uncovers new terrible movies for consideration, so that the future stretches out like one impossible, endless wasteland. But no. This is not a metaphor. The point is that for the first time in my life, I wish I was back ankle deep having corned beef hash burps on skin cancer mountain because it beats this march.

After the jump, the newest round of Worst Movie nominees.

  • The Last Kiss
  • Dreamcatcher
  • Pay It Forward
  • Butterfly Effect
  • Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
  • Bulworth
  • Hanging Up
  • My Blueberry Nights
  • Max Payne
  • Reign Over Me
  • Margo at the Wedding
  • Crank
  • Desperately Seeking Susan
  • August Rush

You know how they say that when you’re in a car accident, or a plane accident, any kind of transportation accident really, that you can see your whole life flash before your eyes? This is kind of like that, except that it’s not the past but the future, and it’s not a flash but a drawn out scream. And there’s no one to sue.

As always, the rules, for your reminder and your consideration. Learn them.

  1. It cannot be intentionally horrible.
  2. It must have at least one A- or B-list movie star in it. (No “outsider art.”)
  3. It cannot be Glitter. (Or Crossroads.)
  4. It has to have had a theatrical release.
  5. It must be available on Netflix.
  6. No matter how bad the movie, it cannot be based on a popular superhero.
  7. Addendum: no musicals.
  8. Addendum: No Robin Williams movies (Addendum: In a lead role. Supporting roles will be considered on a case by case basis)
  9. Gabe is the boss.

See you guys on the other side.