It was a beautiful day on planet Earth. Seth MacFarlane stared out across his infinity pool, down the gentle green slope of the Beverly Hills hillside at the city of Los Angeles. He had activated the beacon in his humanoid chest plate weeks ago, and if his calculations were correct, and his calculations were always correct, a droid ship would arrive at 11PM to take him home. For now, he sat at the solid gold coffee table, watching as a caviar omelet cooled slowly on a diamond-encrusted plate. He sipped fresh-squeezed orange juice from a glass made from the bones of a manatee, not that he could taste it, but there was always the chance that his human personal chef would walk in, and he liked to keep up appearances. A newspaper sat at the edge of a table. Seth MacFarlane stared at it for three seconds, the time it took to catalog and register all of its information deep within his hive mind. There was a rustle in his shirt.
“How’s about you give us some pancakes, chief” said the poison-tipped fang mouth protruding from his stomach.
Seth MacFarlane fork-fed a bite of mangosteen and ground-ruby waffle into the hideous monster’s mouth just as Javier, the human secondary pool boy who lived in the southwest wing of the servants’ main quarters walked in. Seth pulled his form-fitting silk bowling shirt down to hide the creature that no human must witness. Hopefully he would not have to erase this one’s mind.
“Have you seen the whale tusk scrub brush with the fine silver filigree tines for cleaning the calcium residue off of the hot tub?”
Seth had recently had the entertainment center rooftop hot tub’s water replaced with Prosecco, which required constant maintenance, but was perfect for cocktail party spill-over on a Tuesday night. There were things that he would miss about this planet. In fact, if he was to be completely honest with himself, and he always was, he was not entirely excited to be going home. Not that his kind felt any emotions.
“No, Javier. I haven’t seen the whale tusk scrub brush with the fine silver filigree tines. Now go away. You make me sick, champ.”
He had mastered the humans’ ways with each other.
Seth MacFarlane spent the rest of the day expressing his disgust with the human employees of his Earth estate. He went on-line and shopped for ugly leather jackets, the ugliest he could find. They were the types of leather jackets worn by human perverts, and human weird uncles. By the time they arrived, he would be gone. He liked to think of those jackets sitting in their cardboard shipping containers. Shipping containers! No ionic teleportation? This planet was lucky it hadn’t been destroyed millennia ago.
Silently, in the night, the drone arrived.
Standing before the Space Council of planet The Worst from which Seth MacFarlane had been sent to Earth for research purposes, Seth MacFarlane explained everything that he had seen and experienced in his brief visit to the alien planet. He told of the beer bongs and the nipple slips, the way just saying something stupid a million times could make humans laugh, he explained what laughter is. He told of the hockey fights and athletic masturbation, of the terrible leather jackets he had collected, and the theory that if you say something loud enough it makes you right. He showed them statements from his bank account, at which the Space Council seemed very impressed, despite the agreement that trading of currency was a primitive, disgusting practice reserved only for the most miserable space garbage. At the end of his debriefing, Seth MacFarlane, now free of his humanoid shell, stood with his four heads bowed, and his monstrous hands clasped, as the Chief Inspector of the Space Council delivered his closing remarks.
“Alien Seth MacFarlane, the Space Council thanks you for your report on the planet Earth. It is important to remember that we sent you there not only for space reconnaissance, but as an experiment. You are one of the worst creatures on this planet, and that is saying something, as this planet, as you know, is called The Worst. And the Space Council wanted to see if a creature who is the worst on his own planet, as you are, would also be the worst on an alien planet, which you were. Moreover, you proved with your financial success and the incredible adoration of millions based on little to no discernible talent and an alien’s piecemeal knowledge of human existence, that Earth should be destroyed. The experiment was a success. Thank you for your service. Vaporize this guy. I hate this guy.”
And then some space police vaporized Seth MacFarlane. And later they destroyed Earth. And Earth deserved it.