Where exactly does real rap end and fake rap begin? That can obviously be a blurry line, and in general it’s just best to trust your instinct. Of course, there are obvious questions to ask yourself: Are the lyrics unbelievably silly? Are they instructions on how to do something? Is the “rap” delivered at the pace of a speech therapist helping a closed head-injury patient regain their verbal ability? How about the music? Does it sound like it was buried in Nicolas Cage’s time capsule from his new movie Knowing? And that once it was dug out of the early-80s loam, just like the time capsule in Nicolas Cage’s new movie, Knowing, it held the secrets to the end of the world? Because of how bad it is? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, there’s a totally decent chance that you’re listening to a fake rap. In any case, you can never be too careful, and it’s always best to err on the side of it being fake rap. Destroy it!
But sometimes the line between real rap and fake rap becomes so blurred as to be invisible. This is the case when the rappers are film and/or sports stars. In these cases, the rap is so bad it might as well be in a Wendy’s Training Video for New Employees, and yet it has appeared on an actual album produced by an actual record company run by adults.
Such is the case with this rap starring Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd from the soundtrack to the 1987 comedy Dragnet:
INSIDIOUS! Fake rap posing as real rap! A SLEEPER CELL OF FAKE RAP TERRORISM! Do see what we are up against, you guys? 114 people? You make me sick. America is doomed. We might as well all move to France and buy MC Solaar t-shirts. Welcome to Vichy, Internet.