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The Real Housewives Of New York: Women Be Renovating!

This week, we pick up where we left off, with Ramona telling Bethanney all about the fight that she had with the Cuntess about whether or not her husband is old, which he is. It turns out that Ramona went the extra step not only of apologizing but of buying Luann a bottle of champagne as a peacemaking gesture before she realized that Luann was the one who was acting like an asshole. Well, let’s be fair. You were both acting like assholes. But it’s definitely true that for a “woman” writing a book about etiquette, ripping on someone’s (admittedly buggggg) eyes not only in front of your daughter–who just moments ago you were trying to shield from the fact that her father is a 450 year-old vampire–but also a national television crew. It’s called High Class and Luann has tons of it. She uses it to smooth out the wrinkles in her face.

But let’s stop arguing about who was right and who was wrong in last week’s fight, and start arguing about who’s going to be in charge of putting a shirt on Ramona.

Everyone is renovating this week. Their houses. This week, their houses. Next week, back to renovating their faces. Like Sinbad always said, women be renovating! Alex and Simon are renovating their luxurious Brooklyn garbage dump.

You know, fuck this show. Because Brooklyn is actually a really nice borough with great neighborhoods and fancy brownstones and funtimes to be had, and this show is reinforcing what I believe to be the national consensus that it’s basically a dumpster full of AIDS needles. Or, if not fuck this show, at least fuck Alex and Simon and their stupid faces and their mailbox full of bullshit invitations to PR disaster nightmares. Fuck Alex and Simon always.

Jill is also renovating her apartment. Which she keeps separate from her husband? Whatever, who cares about Jill’s apartment? She comes home and some dudes are working on renovating her apartment and she’s like “What are you doing in my apartment?” and the dudes are like “Renovating it!” and she’s like “You’re renovating it?” and then the camera sort of does this shifting off-center and then drops to the floor and just lies there, because the cameraman fell asleep.

The Cuntess is not as prominent in this week’s episode, and now I know how her children feel. All joking aside: what a terrible, shitty, neglectful parent. Her daughter’s gerbil died, and I’m not saying that all moms need to be the Gerbil Police or whatever, but she not only wasn’t aware that the gerbil had died, but she was not aware that the entire family (minus the Count, who was in Southeast Asia, at an annual Youth Conference) had gathered in a field to bury the gerbil with a cross and everything. Like, what is this asshole so busy doing that she’s unaware of the basic events in her children’s lives? Yelling at her ghost writer to write her etiquette book for her faster? Later, she sits with her son for five minutes and gives him a hard time about his homework, because the key to parenting is to be a nag for five minutes every week in front of a camera crew to let your kid know that you’re still the boss around here, as far as all of America is concerned. I hope she begrudgingly goes to Alex and Simon’s house as a PR stunt and falls on a rusty nail.

Kelly “Manosaurus Rex” Bensimon invites Luann over for an uncomfortable lunch with Top Chef finalist Sam Talbot. Remember when Project Runway’s Michael Knight had to go on The Real Housewives of Atlanta and give sewing advice? Seriously, potential Bravo reality TV contestants, get a lawyer to THOROUGHLY check your contract.

Anyway, Sam Talbot has supposedly been invited over to teach the women how to make a healthy meal, but what he’s actually been invited to do was provide outside support for Kelly Bensimon’s passive-agressive war against her daughter’s body image. Kelly Bensimon, making power moves against Luann for the title of Worst Mom.

The only thing bigger than my mouth are my hands!

Later, Luann invites Bethenney out to lunch, where Bethenney unloads a monster diss.

That is some serious LOLZ. Bethenney is the Doyenne of Diss of the Upper East Side. Such a good diss.

Then Bethenney goes on a date with a chef from STK steakhouse at STK steakhouse. Sure. A date. “It’s so romantic surrounded by all these cameras in my place of business. Sometimes you have to stage a PR stunt in order to find love.”

Bethenney, as a professional chef herself, knows that it’s important when eating in a kitchen to pick the most hygienic place to sit.

Yum. I want to prepare my food to there.

Later, Alex joins Bethenney at a yoga fundraiser and offers her relationship advice.

Ummm.

Finish your story, Alex. “We backed into each other on the internet. We were both just looking for sex with men.” Better.

I seriously think that Alex McCord might be the least attractive woman on Earth.



Bethenney later interviews that she’s happy Alex opened up with this information. Bethenney’s definition of “happy” is really weird. It almost perfectly matches my definition of “makes me want to kill myself, but first makes me want to kill them.” Seriously, Alex just wrote the script for Saw VI. Jigsawy is like “you’ve taken life for granted for too long. You have one hour to decide who will rip their eyes out with this spoon.” Motherfuckers are fighting over that spoon, I will tell you.

Speaking of eyes, Ramona has a really touching moment with her daughter. Wait, what did I say? Touching? I meant creepy and narcissistic and misguided.

To be fair, all cultures have a coming-of-age rite of passage. For the Jews, there is the Bar Mitzvah. For many Native Americans, there is the vision quest. And for Ramona’s daughter, it’s dressing up in $1,500 stripper shoes so your mom can see what they look like on a body not tensed up with the fear of encroaching death.

Perfect.

This show should be in a museum somewhere. Do they even have museums in jail?