American Idol To Launch Line Of Unwanted Antiquated Garbage

Well, everyone’s favorite show, American Idol, is about to become everyone’s favorite outmoded novelty product. From the AP:

“Idol” production company FremantleMedia and trading card publisher Upper Deck are launching a new line of trading cards featuring images of past and current contestants as well as the judges and host of the Fox singing competition. The 138-card line is set to debut April 21.

Perfect. Trading cards. Who doesn’t love trading cards? Oh, everybody? Everybody doesn’t love trading cards? Because it’s not the 1940s anymore? So many X-Box 360s are going to get broken this spring when kids keep shoving these things in the slot. “I HATE YOU, MOM.”

I do like “and host.” That’s funny to me. Ryan Seacrest just fired his manager. “I HATE YOU, MANAGER.”

Six special cards autographed by past “Idols” will be randomly slipped into the five-card packs. Regular cards will feature rejected hopefuls such as William Hung and Nick Mitchell, past winners like Ruben Studdard and David Cook, and popular finalists including Adam Lambert and Jennifer Hudson.


And it wouldn’t be an AP article about American Idol’s silly trading card idea without an easter egg for the superfans:

What about long-gone first season co-host Brian Dunkleman?

“That remains to be seen,” said Wong.

THA DUNK! Remains to be seen? According to the first paragraph, you know exactly how many cards are going to be in the set (138), and it will be available in stores in just over a month. But that still remains to be seen, huh? Total mystery? YOU GUYS SHOULD WORK THAT SHIT OUT! You’re going to be selling upwards of five to 10 packs of these cards (happy birthday, Ryan Seacrest’s boyfriend), there’s no room for error. Close only counts in handjobs and hand grenades. Or is it handbags and hand grenades? Handguns and horse grenades? The point is American Idol trading cards, you guys. Collect them NOT!