Gossip Girl: All The World Is, Like, Totally A Stage, Or Whatever

YESSSS! It’s back! We pick up right where we left off. Dan Humphrey is hooking up with that horrible teacher that at first it was rumored he was hooking up with when he wasn’t but then she got fired for it and they actually really started hooking up in real life, because that woman is an adult, and she makes adult decisions about how to live her life. Chuck Bass is still trying to track down that woman that he slept with at his father’s exclusive Eyes Wide Shut party, where apparently you are given a wrist tattoo right away no questions asked because remember how he woke up with a wrist tattoo? For an Eyes Wide Shut club that is supposedly so dangerous and so exclusive, they sure give out those wrist tattoos like they’re free clinic condoms. Blair is going to Yale. Serena is an asshole. Jenny is an asshole. Rufus is an asshole. Let’s go!

The seniors of Constance are putting on a performance of Edith Wharton’s Age of Innocence for their “Senior Play,” whatever that is. Since none of us has ever been to high school, I guess we’ll just have to assume that a Senior Play is a real thing that exists and that everyone knows about. Luckily, everyone has been cast in the main roles. Age of Convenience! The only person not performing in the play is Chuck Bass, because of course. Nate makes a joke about mercury poisoning. Gossip Girl is back!

Before the dress rehearsal, Blair talks about how perfect her life is. Uh oh, you know what that means! It is about to get less perfect! Within thirty seconds, the mean girls are screaming because Yuki just found out that she got in early to Yale. Blair says that’s impossible because only one student gets in early from Constance every year, and this year that is her. She confronts Headmistress Queller, who says that Yale has rescinded Blair’s application. Oh no, and just when the show got picked up for a third season! (Gossip Co-ed). Headmistress Queller doesn’t know how Yale found out about Blair’s detention (re: the whole lying about Dan and the teacher, which now is not a lie but at the time was a lie, but she got out of by it becoming not a lie, but it was still kind of a lie, sorry I’m not home right now, I’m walking in these spiderwebs) but she points out that “Yale considers hazing a faculty member a serious offense.” Um, just for the record, Headmistress Queller, we ALL consider hazing a faculty member a serious offense.

Now that her Yale dreams are crushed, things couldn’t possibly get any worse for Blair. OH WAIT. Gossip Girl sends out a Gossip Blast about Blair’s ex-boyfriend, Lord Whatever, who was sleeping with his stepmom, Cougar Madchen. Blair is so embarrassed, even though that happened five million years ago and no one even remembers who they were. (Also, not to get all Our Bodies Ourselves, but Blair didn’t even sleep with the Lord, because he wouldn’t let her, while Nate was rolling around with Cougar Peaks all the time and no one says a word. Just SAYING!) But someone is trying to ruin Blair! So Blair immediately blames Vanessa? Because if this show has taught anyone anything it’s that the smartest thing to do is always leap to conclusions and act in irremediable ways on your assumptions. Serena defends Vanessa. Then there is another Gossip Girl blast about how Yale only accepted Serena because they wanted to issue a press release (What is this Old News Girl?), which really seems like more of a diss on Yale (YA BURNT U!) and if the character of Serena was real I don’t think she’d give an F, but she is like “Blair did this!” Because again, with the assumptions being the best policy and whatnot. So she confronts Blair and Blair decides this means the Blastz have been coming from Dan Humphrey because if your first irrational conclusion based on no evidence fails it’s important to make up a new one and act on it immediately.

Dan, meanwhile, gets Jenny to secretly pass Teach a note, because Teach showed up to the dress rehearsal, because that’s something that people who’ve been fired for pedophilic behavior do and everyone is cool with it and doesn’t ask anyone to leave or go to jail. Rachel responds to the note with her HOUSEKEY, because just because she’s been fired from her job at Constance doesn’t mean that she can’t teach these young minds about Wildly Inappropriate Behavior. Unfortunately for Dan’s penis, Rufus intercepts the note, because he also showed up at the dress rehearsal, because for some reason he must have accidentally forgotten that negligent parents aren’t ever supposed to be around.

He goes to Teach’s house and is like “Whoops, I think this key fell out of your horrible vagina.” Dan tells Rufus to leave him alone and let him date whoever he wants, which normally it’s like, hey, you live in your dad’s house, you have to live by your dad’s rules, son, but Rufus isn’t really a dad, and no one cares about Dan’s well-being, so whatever. So Dan f’s Teach in the costume closet, because, again, she’s an adult and this is just what adults do.

But later, Dan figures out that it was actually Teach who tried to ruin everyone’s lives by reporting on Blair to Yale and sending out those Gossip Blasts. Looks like the teacher has become the [email protected] Dan confronts her and tells her that he has crushed his ideals. Oh boo hoo. Someone should crush his face! This is funny, though:

Good one, Dan. You’re bored, and I ruined your pants.

AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, all of this behind-the-scenes tension and high-stakes manipulation makes for FIREWORKS on the stage.

Womp womp. The play is probably ruined, right? The director, who blah blah, Serena has a crush on, Cyrano de Bergerac, etc, etc, yells at the students about how they ruined his play. Even guest cameo New York Times critic Charles Isherwood probably hated it, right?

Especialy guest cameo New York Times critic Charles Isherwood. No, he loves it. Total mind-blowing deconstructionist re-interpretation meta-fart. Of course. The director tries to take credit as if that was his plan all along! He is a jerk! Serena can’t believe she had a crush on him! He can’t either, because he is gay. Serena sends out basically the best text message:

Man, that is such a smart text. The only thing smarter than that text is the face Serena makes when she sends it.

Job well done.

Meanwhile, Chuck Bass, something something, Eyes Wide Shut, blah blah, for someone as conniving and sly as he is, it’s surprising how easily he gets played by this mysterious call girl. I know that’s probably supposed to be the point, the ultimate manipulator finally getting a taste of his own snake oil, or whatever, and it’s true that he’s in high school and the grifter who rolls him is like, 35 years old, but still. Open your Eyes Wide Shut, Chuck Bass, this was too obvious. He goes to Blair for solace, but she is not there, because she’s getting hit on by the new Chuck Bass Dramatic Foil, Carter Braizen.

Perfect. Why didn’t they just name that guy Charlie Trout?

It’s back, you guys!

All of it.