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Dear Baby Jesus, Please Let Kings Go All The Way With This Biblical Analogy

Guess who has two thumbs and just read the entire Wikipedia entry for King Saul? This chick! I was hoping to find clues to upcoming plot points on the already ratings-challenged but fascinatingly ridiculous new show, Kings, but then I remembered, wow, the Bible is super boring except for the sex parts. Reading about Saul and David’s breakups and makeups and caveman politics is like going back and reading your notes from high school. The things you remember as huge events and coups d’etat upon which entire social empires rose and fell were really just minor misunderstandings, like “Erica and her boyfriend got in a fight so we missed the Indigo Girls concert.” (True story, btw. Still mad.) Oh, except with more spears. Saul and David were constantly throwing spears at each other. And missing, often “on purpose.” Like, every day. The Bible is basically high school, with spears. Our entire civilization is based on a caveman version of Gossip Girl. Also, David so totally stole Saul’s milk jug! That little bitch! This is making me laugh so hard!

HOWEVER, my Wikipedia journey did lead me to one potential plot point that could shake prime time network television to its core (and I’m not talking about David and Jonathan being gay together, that’s only 1080 B.C./1997 A.D.-shocking.) I know Kings got low ratings, but please please please don’t cancel it before this happens….

Another daughter, Michal, falls in love with David, so Saul repeats the offer to David with Michal, but again David turns it down claiming to be too poor; Saul persuades David that the bride price would only be 100 foreskins from the Philistines, hoping that David would be killed trying to achieve this. David obtains 200 foreskins and is consequently married to Michal.

You know a show has jumped the shark when they break out the old “Obtaining 200 foreskins” cliche. That’s what killed Growing Pains, if you remember. I wonder what will represent foreskins on this modern-day retelling? Please let it be foreskins! That is some Nip/Tuck shit right there.