So I watched the two-hour premiere of Kings last night for some reason, and it was hilarious. Even though the show is really up-front about the fact that it’s modeled on the story of Saul and David from the Bible, I still couldn’t help but crack up whenever they threw in a really obvious reference, like David’s name being “David Shepherd,” or a newspaper headline about David defeating Goliath. It’s not a bad show or anything, it just takes itself and its mythology VERY seriously. It’s a total male fantasy soap opera as imagined by a very smart fourteen year old boy. It’s like the grown-man version of Gossip Girl. Last night’s two-hour premiere was more than enough material for a predictive drinking game, assuming it stays on the air, so let’s get this started.
1. Something happens that happened in the Bible, like David defeating (a) Goliath.
2. You see that stupid butterfly symbol — Silas’s brand logo as a king. (This alone should keep you constantly drunk.)
3. Someone refers to his or herself as King, Queen, Prince, or Princess.
4. The King suggests in code that someone be killed.
5. There’s a news report about that person’s accidental death.
6. The King calls someone “puppy.”
7. Someone refers to a new fake country or place, as when the princess said last night that a piano “Was a gift from the Prime Minister of Austeria.”
8. The King mentions god. The King talks about god all the damn time.
9. The secretly gay prince (the Chuck Bass of this show) is referred to as “The Party Prince.”
10. The Queen is an entitled bitch.
11. The King speaks unnaturally about how he is the king, as in: “King of all I survey, and I still can’t find an office chair that doesn’t give my back spasms.” He said that. For real. If you must watch Kings, drink responsibly.