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Real World: Brooklyn: It’s Scott’s Party And He’ll Never Shut Up About It If He Wants To

Two things happen during this episode.

1. Katelynn doesn’t go to Scott’s birthday party, and he spends approximately the entire episode being passive-aggressively resentful about it.
2. MTV uses SYNERGY and cross-platform marketing to turn an entire episode of The Real World: Brooklyn into an ad for Pedro: The Movie.

And that’s it.

THAT’S IT.

Granted, both of these storylines are slightly more compelling than “the housemates have a tendency not to take their trash out.” But seriously. I feel like this show used to be about young people figuring out who they were, and I had so much hope for this season since everyone is, NO OFFENSE, a short drink of water, but this is three weeks in a row that the show has literally been nothing but petulant cabin-feverish whining from ambition-less 20-somethings living in a waterfront prison designed by Guy Fieri.

Anyway, like I was saying, Katelynn doesn’t go to Scott’s birthday party.

Instead, she does go-go dancing at some night club in Times Square. Because she has money problems. What? How does someone on the Real World have money problems? Later, on the phone to her friend, she explains that she has to keep up with her car payments and also pay for her storage unit. Sure. I can only imagine how expensive storage units are in West Palm Beach. Did you know that most prostitutes get their start because they have to pay for their storage units in West Palm Beach while they’re on a reality show and they don’t know what else to do?

But Scott cannot believe that Katelynn did not come to his birthday party! She knew about his birthday party! He is so mad that she won’t clean her playing cards off the coffee table but really what he’s mad about is that she didn’t come to his birthday party! Is Scott nine? If Scott is nine years old, then this makes total sense. If he is not nine years old, then he needs to grow the fuck up. Instead of growing the fuck up, however, he puts all of the chairs and sofas in Katelynn’s room.

So Katelynn turns all the stools on their side.

So Scott locks all the dishes in a cupboard.

So Katelynn hides all the pool balls from the pool table in a beach bag on top of a shelf.

WILL THIS CYCLE OF RETALIATORY COMMUNAL-HOUSEWARES AGRESSION NEVER END!

Devyn makes an appearance.

That girl. Incredible. She has studied being THE ABSOLUTE WORST at the collegiate level. She’s a fucking Tenured Professor in being AN IMPOSSIBLE NIGHTMARE OF PROUD STUPIDITY.

Now, I know you guys aren’t going to believe this, but Katelynn’s money trouble means that she might need to leave the house. (Please let it mean that.)There’s no way she can even think about staying in the house without, like, $1,500. So, she’s probably going home. Because who could possibly have that kind of money and be willing to lend it to her. Certainly not Scott, right? They have been fighting all episode. If anything, I bet Scott wants to see Katelynn go home.

Think if Pedro had left, you guys. Now imagine he was white.

I’m not going to dignify MTV’s hour-long advertisement for what looks like the single worst made-for-TV movie of all time, even if it does appear to star Vanessa Diaz from Six Feet Under. The episode is actually called “Pole Dancing and Pedro,” because of CHERISHED LEGACIEZ. But I will say that you don’t need to use an entire episode to prove to me that you cannot rely on the Real World cast to organize a screening event with an actual audience. You could just say “We asked the Real World cast to organize a screening event,” and I would be like, “Oh, I get it, no one showed up. Duh.”

But there was one incredible thing about this part of the show, which was, OF COURSE, Chet.

He wants to get into “the hosting world”? What is the hosting world? And why does he keep comparing sex to putting your hand in a fire and smoking cigarettes? Putting your hand in an AIDS fire? Smoking cigarettes without a condom on your mouth? What an idiot. Seriously. It’s not nice to make fun of people who are going through the customary confusion and self-doubt of post-adolescence, which is why I’m not making fun of him. He’s an idiot. No joke. Hosting world. Shut it down.

Oh no, someone shot Earth with a space bullet! The world been had exploded!