The Ultimate Argument Settler: 8 Local Commercials That Should Be Turned Into Movies

Well, here’s a movie they’re making. From Variety (via FilmDrunk):

Danny DeVito is set to direct “Crazy Eddie,” a pic based on the life of consumer electronics king Eddie Antar.

Antar was a pioneer in discount consumer electronics, and Crazy Eddie’s grew to 43 stores, fueled by TV ads in which a frenzied pitchman promised prices that were “In-sa-a-a-a-a-ane!” Antar took the company public and briefly became a Wall Street sensation.

He’d been skimming money and falsifying inventory to inflate stock value. Losing control of his company in a hostile takeover, Antar went on the lam after the new owners uncovered his financial shenanigans and the SEC charged him with stock fraud. He fled to Israel — where he’d deposited millions of dollars — only to be extradited three years later. He ultimately served a prison term that ended in 1999 and was ordered to pay $150 million in fines.

Fair enough, I guess. We’ve got to make a movie out of something while we wait for the next thrilling, super-good adaptation of Philip Pullman’s Dark Materials series (Golden Compass 2: Full Sentient Polar Bear Throttle, or whatever). But if Crazy Eddie is getting his own movie, then there are a lot of other local commercial stars who deserve the Hollywood treatment. 8 other local commercial stars. Here is a scientific list of all of them that is missing absolutely nothing and is definitely complete, no doubt about it.

The Silas Deane Pawn Shop Commercial

Title: Being Arnold Schwarzenegger
Tagline: It might be a tumor.
Description: Two friends explore the meaning of being and selfhood when they find a portal into the consciousness of Arnold Schwarzenegger and come out the other end in a drainage ditch next to US 101 being able to do passable impersonations of him.

The Vern Fonk Insurance Commercials

Title: Shapoopi
Tagline: Baby on board.
Description: A ragtag gang of men who refuse to grow up try to figure out how to insure a baby when it is left on their doorstep.

Flea Market Montgomery

Title: Hustle & Flea
Tagline: It’s hard out here for a market.
Description: A young man struggling to make ends meet decides to pursue his dream by selling sofas out of a sofa studio in his house. When a local celebrity in the sofa game (Chris Bridges) returns home, the young man thinks this may be his big shot, but nothing is ever that easy, especially selling sofas.

The Queens Boulevard Ford Mercury Dealer Commercial

Title: Queens Boulevard
Tagline: Get out of his dreams and into his car.
Description: Like The Sopranos, but retarded.

The Schweig Engel Commercials

Title: Schweig Engel: Portrait of a Serial Killer
Tagline: Shop till you drop…from being MURDERED.
Description: A serial killer with a machete is hired to manage a local furniture store.

Christopher Knight’s Star Wars-Themed School Board Political Advertisement

Title: Sad Wars: The Christopher Knight Story
Tagline: May the :( be with you.
Description: One man attempts to use his idiosyncratic charm and his love of Star Wars to genuinely make the world a better place, but he can’t, because the world is run by former members of Alpha Beta and they won’t let him. “NERDS GET OUT!”

The Norton Furniture Commercial

Title: Rosemary’s Sofa
Description: A woman…is pregnant…and a bunch of dudes hold her down to a bed in a dentist’s waiting room…while she screams and screams…and then a middle-aged dude is hiding under the bed like a FUCKING NIGHTMARE, and the woman won’t give birth, but this has something to do with furniture. It’s like Knocked Up meets The Strangers meets Whoops, I Just Killed Myself.

The Mr. Spriggs BBQ Commercial

Title: Good BBQ
Tagline: Get you some of that mmm-mmm-good.
Description: Exactly the plot of Good Burger, but with BBQ. Winner of Academy Award for Best Score.

OK, Hollywood, you’ve got the Videogum Green Light. Have these movies on my desk by 5PM or I want your badge.

P.S. What is it about selling furniture that makes people INSANE?