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The Real Housewives Of New York: Alexandre DeLesseps Is An Old Man

Alex and Simon have long been the diamond-crusted punching bags of this show. Well, minus the diamonds. Those dummies aren’t even that rich! Haha, idiots. But this week, the Cuntess DeLesseps really came into her own as a source of hatred with the gravitational pull of a collapsed star. So, let’s get everyone else out of the way so we can focus on her.

Jill is renovating her house with fabric from her store, making sure the carpet matches the drapes. Seriously, I think her jacket is designed for elite soldiers facing a combat environment made entirely out of sofas. FIRE IN THE HOLE! (That’s what you yell when you throw a grenade in a Real Housewife’s constantly open–because of the talking–mouth. I think this show has driven me insane.)

Jill is an elite member of the Sofa Squad

Alex and Simon are also renovating. Considering what we’ve seen of their house thus far, you could renovate that thing with a broom and box of heavy duty garbage bags. “So what I’m going to do, is I’m just going to throw all of your stuff in the garbage, including you and your two children, and then we’re going to put interesting, non-nightmare people in this house to brighten the place up with their refreshing lack of insufferable status anxiety.” I should be an interior decorator. I would just paint all the rooms in light, energizing colors, and throw everyone in the garbage.

This is funny, though:

That is Alex and Simon showing off the unknowable luxury of having space enough in your backyard AIDS needle sadness pit for a Target swimming pool. The editors cleverly stitched this after a scene of Ramona splashing around with her Fiero Dealer husband in their Hamptons pool in the sunshine. Total post-production burn.

In one of the weirdest moments of the entire series, Kelly invites Ramona to visit the Richar Meier Model Museum to look at…architectural models?

What?

“I like this one because I’m standing in front of it.”

There is absolutely no explanation for why they are there. Well played, Richard Meier. Your dream of having your influential architectural work randomly featured on a vacuous show about women who think that buildings are the places where you go to cocktail parties to flirt with men who aren’t your husband if the outdoor cocktail party gets rained out has come true.

Also, I’m pretty sure Kelly Bensimon is the lizard from Rampage.

She was actually arrested for trying to eat her boyfriend out of a 17th story window. That she then collapsed. With shuddering punches from her man hands.

OK, so, the Cuntess. I’ve always felt a little guilty about that name. It’s kind of gross. It’s not the type of thing you should call another human being, even on a stupid trampoline accidents blog for 12-year-old girls. But last night any vestige of guilt was surgically removed by the scalpel of this woman’s face.

She has lunch with Bethenny where she tells her about her book deal. They talk about the name of the book, Class with the Countess. Bethenny thinks this name is kind of pretentious and implies that somehow Luann thinks she has better manners than everyone else just because she married into a title, even though she grew up in America like a human being. The Cuntess thinks that Bethenny has trouble accepting her title, and that she needs to get over it. Gabe thinks they should both probably go to jail, but if there is only room for one, throw the Cuntess in there, and then burn it to the ground. This living nightmare’s inferiority-complex manifested as phony self-aggrandizement cemented in the legacy of her absent husband is the stuff that revolutions are made of. They should rename the guillotine the Luann DeLessepsotine. And use it.

THEN, when Bethenny is photographed for the cover of Social Life magazine, which apparently is a real thing, and has an editor and everything, she tells Luann about it who immediately asks her how much retouching they’re going to do. And then insists that she hopes it’s a lot. I’m not a girl and therefore not privvy to all the Girl Laws, but even I know when someone’s straight up being a criminal asshole.

And then this happens:

She zinged Ramona’s eyes! Boyoyoinnnnnng. And it keeps going! And going! She gets so mad! And who can blame her. Her husband’s a total teenager!

Look at him! People are always coming up to him and being like “have you decided on a major yet?”

Relax, Cuntess DeLeSUCKS. You obviously still have some issues with having married a man 15 years your senior when you were in the flush of your youth, but don’t even worry about it. You’re both old now.

AND THEN LATER, Bethenny asks the Cuntess to have lunch with her so that she can tell her that her feelings were hurt when the Cuntess told her she hoped Social Life magazine, which is a real magazine that apparently people read or put in their bathrooms or something, and the woman never actually apologizes, but just backpedals so hard she won the Reverse Tour De France. Perfect. I’m going to print that joke out. As a postscript on my suicide note.

Luann DeLesseps is a lot of fun, I hope she doesn’t die.