Introducing The Cast Of The New Melrose Place

Entertainment Weekly reported today that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz has signed on as the newest cast member in the CW’s questionable remake of Melrose Place. Sure. We all know she can act.

The onetime 7th Heaven star will play small-town girl Violet, a character whose disarming naiveté masks the calculating, shrewd sex kitten within. In other words, the little tramp’s Sydney.

Well, the disarming naivete should not be hard to pull off. I am confident that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz does a very convincing “disarming naivete.” And they can just CGI the sex kitten stuff in post production. Just get a body and face double and a ton of graphics. Hollywood.

Now that Ashlee’s been cast, we have a much better idea of what the new Melrose Place is going to look like. Here’s a look at the rest of the cast:

This Rock

This rock will play the chief of staff at Los Angeles Medical Hospital. He will have a passionate on-again-off-again relationship with a psychiatrist (played by a half-full-glass of lukewarm water). Many of his storylines will center on how he never knew his father.

Half A Sandwich

Half a sandwich is the housing complex’s party boy. He is totally girl crazy and out to make the most of LA’s nightlife, sometimes with terrible consequences. At the center of several love triangles, and even a couple of lawsuits, Half a Sandwich has the most to learn about what it means to grow up.

Painting Of A Boy Rodeo Clown

Painting of a boy rodeo clown is Melrose Place’s elder statesman and the glue that holds the community together. But how long can his throne remain unchallenged? Often beset on all sides, painting of a boy rodeo clown quickly discovers that with great power comes great manipulation.

An Old Woman

An old woman plays a former advertising executive who has retired to Melrose Place to await death.

All-star cast. In your face, Gossip Girl spin-off.

Previously: The CW Hopes To Match The Half-Hearted Success Of 90210 With A Half-Hearted Update Of Melrose Place