gabe: lindsay, why don’t you care about watchmen?
lindsay: Because I don’t like movies about superheroes.
lindsay: we’ve been over this
gabe: but don’t you care about AMERICA?
gabe: this is a cultural event
gabe: like Harry Potter
gabe: or when Rachel Ray invented EVOO
gabe: you just kind of have to face it
gabe: don’t you want to know what everyone’s talking about at the water cooler
lindsay: Says the guy who saw Slumdog last weekend?
lindsay: Well, as you know
lindsay: I enjoyed Wanted
lindsay: even though THAT was terrible
lindsay: I mean, it’s a movie based on a comic book that was over the top and terrible
gabe: watchmen is not over the top and terrible at all
gabe: the book, at least
lindsay: I meant the movie.
lindsay: so I guess, if I were a bored person, I could enjoy watchmen
lindsay: I’m pretty sure it’s over the top
lindsay: The spoiler my friend just told me about it that you won’t let me tell you
lindsay: even though it’s a five word description of a scene that doesn’t ruin anything
lindsay: proves to me that it has to be over the top, because it sounds like the most unintentionally funny scene ever.
lindsay: it would be so funny if my “spoiler” is about the naked blue guy. Just his existence. Like that’s what I think a spoiler is.
gabe: once you accept the premise of superhoes as a thing
gabe: it’s pretty serious bizness
gabe: NO SPOILERS
gabe: just because you don’t like having fun
gabe: doesn’t mean you have to ruin it for the rest of us
lindsay: that is the one thing everyone knows
gabe: NOT EVERYONE, PROFESSOR
lindsay: the children of Darfur know about the naked blue guy
gabe: his name is Mister Manhattan, SHOW SOME RESPECT
gabe: i bet you would go see Watchmen if it had Paul Rudd or Jason Segel in it
gabe: you would have bought your tickets weeks ago
gabe: if everything about it was exactly the same, but it had one of your boy dreams in it
gabe: you would be there
gabe: out in your Catwoman costume
gabe: “hey guys, I’m catwoman!”
lindsay: well, those guys would not do a bad movie (now)
gabe: wait a second
lindsay: (over her dead body was before the apatow craze)
gabe: hold on
lindsay: they would read the script and trash it if it was bad
lindsay: I trust that.
gabe: your blind dedication to them
gabe: is disgusting
gabe: what is this, NORTH KOREA?
gabe: our glorious leader Jason Segel
gabe: it’s sick
gabe: go to the hospital
lindsay: Says the guy who is really upset about the watchmen maybe not being good
lindsay: you are the one with blind dedication
lindsay: But yeah, I probably would see it
lindsay: but they’re not in it
gabe: wait, who is upset?
lindsay: DEAD DENNY FROM GREY’S ANATOMY IS.
lindsay: I rest my case.
gabe: what’s grey’s anatomy?
gabe: also ANSWER ME, LADY
gabe: who is upset about the watchmen maybe not being good?
gabe: you think i give a shit?
gabe: i’m 54 years old
gabe: i mean, i want it to be good
lindsay: you’re like “don’t distract me with any details no matter how minor because it will ruin the magnificent filmgoing experience.”
gabe: obviously i want everything to be good
lindsay: “wah wah wah”
lindsay: well, yeah
lindsay: everyone wants everything to be good
gabe: it just usually isn’t
gabe: that’s not my fault
gabe: but i’m wholly prepared for watchmen to be bad
gabe: i know what kind of world we live in
gabe: that doesn’t mean i need my viewing of the movie to be ruined by Spoiler Pants Robertson
gabe: let the movie ruin itself
lindsay: But the thing I know about it is so funny!
gabe: says the lady who owns Waiting
lindsay: that’s an intentional comedy
gabe: i’m just pointing it out as evidence of the fact that sometimes you don’t know what the hell you are talking about
gabe: you’re probably secretly a total jeff dunhamhead
lindsay: he’s the new Andy Kaufman.
lindsay: but that would be funny if I thought that.
lindsay: it’s performance art!
gabe: if jeff dunham was in watchmen
gabe: you’d be at the front of the line
gabe: in your sailor moon costume
gabe: “hey guys, i’m sailor moon!”
gabe: –lindsay robertson, midnight showing of Jeff Dunham’s Watchmen
gabe: but don’t you have that thing where you want to know what people are talking about?
gabe: even if it’s not immediately interesting to you
gabe: don’t you want to be part of TEAM AMERICA?
lindsay: yes, but I don’t want to be the sucker
lindsay: every time I’ve seen a movie because it was big or going to be big, I’ve been the sucker
lindsay: who wasted two hours
gabe: what, no way
gabe: how are you a sucker, though?
lindsay: next week if everyone is making watchmen jokes that I don’t get
lindsay: maybe I’ll think about it
lindsay: the first people to see a bad built-up movie?
gabe: for seeing a movie that everyone is seeing in order to understand the cultural conversation?
lindsay: are the suckers
gabe: oh, i don’t agree
gabe: at all
lindsay: i don’t know who you’re hanging out with, but I’m personally not going to be ostracized if I wait a week to see watchmen.
lindsay: are you hanging out with middle school boys?
gabe: don’t worry about who i’m hanging out with
lindsay: are they going to tease you if you don’t get their watchmen catchphrases?
gabe: no one is going to be ostracized
gabe: “the boys” as i like to call them, are all really respectful
gabe: we just get yoohoos and rap
gabe: rap about what we thought
lindsay: I will see it if people say it’s definitely worth seeing
lindsay: in rap sessions?
gabe: we just turn our chairs around backwards
gabe: the only two movies that i know of
gabe: that you have enthusiastically gone to see in the past year
gabe: on opening weekend
gabe: are The Happening
gabe: and He’s Just Not That INto You
lindsay: those were social experiences though, esp the second one. And I saw a lot more movies than that on opening weekend!
gabe: no one will go with you?
gabe: lindsay, you can come see the watchmen with me
lindsay: I’m not buying nine people tickets to the watchmen this weekend
gabe: buying nine people tickets?
lindsay: I mean, trying to organize that many people
gabe: you shouldn’t be buying anyone tickets
gabe: we’re all adults here
lindsay: for a movie that has long lines already?
lindsay: forget about it
gabe: i see what the problem is now
lindsay: I’m a grown up
lindsay: with a five at a time netflix plan
lindsay: (a dodge stratus!)
gabe: you are just makign up excuses now
lindsay: I saw those movies BECAUSE they were dumb
lindsay: it was a silly fun thing to do
lindsay: I don’t want to see a movie that people are really Serious About
gabe: as opposed to the intense seriousness
lindsay: and ruin it by laughing the whole time
lindsay: ANYWAY, back to the amazing five-word scene description that is so unbelievably perfect as a scene that could only be in a bad movie that it defies imagination.
gabe: NO SPOILERS, CATWOMAN
gabe delahaye has signed off.
lindsay: Spoiler alert: there’s a scene in the movie that is (highlight to see):
a three minute sex scene set to “Hallelujah.”