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The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: What Dreams May Come

I don’t know what happens when we die. As much as one might like to imagine that there’s something else out there because of what unique snowflakes we all are, it seems more likely to me that we just wink out. But hey, I’m not a HEAVEN SCIENTIST. Maybe it is just one big pizza party with all your favorite celebrities when you die. I do know that if there is a hell, the devil makes you watch Robin Williams movies on an endless loop. The man’s work is literally unbearable torture. Literally. If you look up “unbearable torture” in the dictionary there’s a picture of a man in an Abu Ghraib hood, standing on a box with wires hanging off of his hands, and Robin Williams giving the thumbs up in the background with a Patch Adams nose on his nightmare face.

And in an oeuvre chock full of Jigsaw-like punishment, What Dreams May Come may be the one most likely to shake people’s ambivalence towards the gift of life (by making them saw off their own head).

What Dreams May Come tells the story of Chris Nielsen, a doctor who loses his two children in a car crash and then himself is killed in a car crash four years later. Then he is in heaven with Cuba Gooding Jr. and it seems pretty cool, but all he wants is to be reunited with his wife, because they are soul mates, because he says they are soul mates. But then his wife, unable to take the loss of her entire family, kills herself, and people who kill themselves go to hell, but Robin Williams decides that he’s going to be the one person to ever bring someone out of hell into heaven. So Cuba Gooding Jr. says “OK, we’ll find A TRACKER,” and they go find this old man who I guess is like the Aragorn of Heaven or whatever, and he takes them to hell, but then it turns out that Cuba Gooding Jr. is actually Robin Williams’s son, sure, and the old man sends him back to heaven because no fake Cuba Gooding Jr. costumes allowed? Then they find Robin Williams’s wife in her own private hell, which is actually a set from a Cure video in the late ’80s, and Robin Williams can’t save her, so he decides to stay with her, because he would rather spend eternity in hell than be without her, which is what makes her be able to go to heaven somehow, and now the whole family is in heaven. But then Robin Williams and his wife decide to abandon their children and get reincarnated so that they can fall in love all over again, because of how they are soul mates. Hopefully one of them gets reincarnated as a bullet and the other one gets reincarnated as my mouth, because there’s only one way for them to reunite and put us all out of our misery. No? They both get reincarnated as upper middle-class white children in New England?

Perfect.

Everything about this movie is so stupid. Here is Robin Williams learning the ropes of heaven.

Like, I KNOW HOW IMAGINATION WORKS. You don’t have to literally make Robin Williams figure out that a bird he just created with his mind can have turquoise wings. And all of these weird platitudinous digressions on what makes us human? It’s like this movie was written by a dude who heard about college philosophy while he was pulling double shifts at his job at the Eating Paint Factory.

But the fact that it turns out later that Cuba Gooding Jr. is actually Robin Williams’s son makes the whole soft shoe dance on the water scene REALLY creepy, and even worse is when Robin Williams finds his daughter in heaven.

Surprise! She’s an Asian flight attendant? WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS. MOVIE? There are all kinds of stupid “twists” like that. Dog the Soul Hunter, or whatever, turns out in the final scene to actually be the real Albert, who was Cuba Gooding Jr. in real life?

What is it about heaven that makes everyone pretend to be someone completely different? It’s like Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” video directed by someone on Salvia.

This movie surprisingly the first in the Hunt to feature an actual-to-goodness GOOF, at least that I’ve managed to catch on my own, because it’s so OBVIOUS.

But of course the goof is obvious. The whole movie is obvious. This is a classic example of Hollywood being completely incapable of trusting an audience to understand a single thing on its own. As a Heaven Primer for Mentally Incapacitated Kindergartners, it’s perfect. So, Robin Williams and his wife are soul mates because they keep talking about how they are soul mates, despite the fact that everything about their relationship is trite and pedestrian. When Robin Williams dies, he actually runs down a TUNNEL towards a LIGHT.

Get it? That’s how you get to heaven, dummy.

Which is just about where the thinking on this movie stopped. For example, if heaven is eternity, then time doesn’t exist, so the first hour of the movie in which Robin Williams whines about not being with his wife doesn’t even make any sense. However long he has to wait for her to show up would be but an instant in Heaven Time. They even talk about how eternity in heaven works. Which makes the most laughable moment in the entire movie (although there were HUNDREDS) even funnier. When Robin Williams is about to go see his wife in hell and try to save her, the Tracker tells him that he can only talk to her for THREE MINUTES, or else he will lose his mind. Incredible. THREE MINUTES IS ALL OF HELL THAT A HEAVEN MIND CAN TAKE.

This movie is probably a documentary about the afterlife, which is how they were able to get all the geniuses who ever lived to work on it.

Three minutes. LOL. That’s even funnier than this:

And that is VERY funny.

Next week: The Black Dahlia. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.