Videogum

Friday Fight: Can Joaquin Phoenix Suck It Or What?

gabe: is anyone worse than joaquin phoenix?
lindsay: Casey Affleck might be worse than Joaquin Phoenix
lindsay: Because who is worse?
lindsay: The guy who does the stupid condescending stunt or the guy who agrees to film it?
gabe: that is a fair point
gabe: except that joaquin is probably paying him
gabe: he’s probably paying him 50 million dollars
gabe: and let’s be honest
gabe: if you pulled something like this
gabe: i would film the shit out of it

gabe: no, i think joaquin is definintely worse than casey affleck
gabe: HITLER was worse
gabe: but let’s stick to the living
lindsay: Well, to put it in perspective
lindsay: Whatever Joaquin Phoenix is doing is not as bad as joining Scientology.
gabe: WHAT?
gabe: you’re playing the scientology wild card
lindsay: I’m just saying, it’s not the craziest thing he could do
lindsay: maybe he has a plan
lindsay: maybe a year from now you’ll be watching his rapping documentary in IMAX in Times Square and crying because you’re so moved.
gabe: i will never watch another move in IMAX in Times Square
gabe: that is a FACT
lindsay: I know
gabe: that place can drop dead
lindsay: I’m really sad for you
gabe: i wish there was a way to murder a movie theater
lindsay: you should start with people
lindsay: or animals
gabe: no judge would convict me
lindsay: then people
lindsay: then movie theaters
lindsay: that’s how it works
gabe: but to your point
gabe: joaquin phoenix doesn’t have a plan
gabe: i know what plans look like
gabe: they look like this

gabe: this is like when harmony korine made that movie
gabe: where he got people to beat him up
gabe: i wish it was MORE like that movie
gabe: why isn’t anyone punching joaquin phoenix?
lindsay: Did you grow up wearing rags and begging for change in Central America because your parents were in a cult that believed having sex with children was okay, and then did your brother die, and despite those hardships, went on to star in Space Camp and win two oscars?
gabe: I TOLD YOU I HAVEN’T SEEN SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE YET
gabe: NO SPOILERS
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: wow, it actually does have some similarities
lindsay: Cultdog Millionaire
gabe: it is very nice of you to throw a pity party for joaquin phoenix
lindsay: Well
lindsay: I have an ace in the hole
lindsay: I think?
lindsay: I’m not sure what that is
gabe: what is that?
gabe: what is your ace in the hole?
lindsay: I might have an ace up my sleeve?
lindsay: I have some sort of ace
lindsay: I’m not going to use it yet
lindsay: say more bad things about joaquin phoenix’s crazy antics
gabe: if you are indeed joqauin phoenix
gabe: which is something i have often suspected about you
gabe: you want me to say more bad things about joaquin phoenix’s crazy antics?
gabe: OK
gabe: they are self-indulgent and narcissistic
gabe: which is fine
gabe: but he acts as if the whole thing is some refutation of hollywood and a commentary on our obsession with celebrity culture
gabe: when it is not
lindsay: When does he act like that?
gabe: when we hang out
gabe: duh
gabe: and over IM
lindsay: god, I am so fucking sick of commentaries on our obsession with celebrity culture
gabe: when he and i IM
lindsay: I want to do a commentary on our obsession with commentaries on our obsession with celebrity culture
lindsay: But like
lindsay: how bored would you be if you were him?
lindsay: I would be so bored
lindsay: just sitting around a mansion
gabe: only boring people are bored
gabe: hahahahha
gabe: that is the dumbest thing anyone has ever said
lindsay: MY MOM SAYS THAT
lindsay: that is SO NOT TRUE
lindsay: boring people are the LEAST bored
gabe: it’s so false
gabe: the only thing more false
gabe: is when parents tell you that kids make fun of you because they feel bad about themselves
gabe: when in reality they make fun of you because it’s hilarious

lindsay: what? no
lindsay: that’s true sometimes
gabe: uh oh
gabe: looks like someone is all too familiar with the “they just feel bad about themselves” pep talk
lindsay: hahahaha
gabe: “no, that one is true.”
gabe: “that one is definitely true.”
lindsay: I just got it again last night
gabe: if i was joaquin phoenix
gabe: i would be too busy having sex in a hot tub filled with liquid cocaine
gabe: to be bored
gabe: i mean, i know what you are saying
lindsay: you are getting very close to my ace in the hole in my sleeve
lindsay: which is IT IS NOT HIM
lindsay: IT IS THE DRUGS. DUH.
lindsay: I mean, that is what it is
lindsay: which makes it even more boring
gabe: yeah, that is the boringest
gabe: put your ace back in your sleeve
gabe: your boring ace
gabe: i’m actually not convinced that that’s true
gabe: either
gabe: this is, as previously mentioned, stupid and narcissistic and incredibly self-indulgent
gabe: but to your previous point about him having a plan
gabe: this is a little too-well organized
gabe: to simply be the product of drug abuse
gabe: i’m not saying that the drugs don’t HELP
gabe: A LOT
gabe: in convincing him that he’s really onto something
lindsay: Didn’t Keifer Sutherland do this exact thing?
lindsay: with that Stop Trying To Kill Me movie or whatever?
lindsay: maybe it’s a stage
lindsay: haha, so next stop: JAIL
lindsay: your favorite place to send people
gabe: my jail is metaphorical
gabe: it is in my heart
gabe: but he’s there
gabe: it’s no replacement for real jail
gabe: but he’s there