Fucking Liars: Joaquin Phoenix’s Friends

Remember when Joaquin Phoenix was rapping last week? So that was a joke. Yes. We can all agree on that. And now, via EW (via Dlisted), we have proof, because two of Joaquin Phoenix’s friends, or Entourage members (Joaquin Dramas), or whatever, have come forward and layed out the whole Kutcherian plot:

Two people close to Joaquin Phoenix tell EW that the actor’s recent attempt to reinvent himself as a rapper is not what it appears to be.

Ever since the actor announced he was ditching his career in movies to try to make it as a rap artist, speculation has flown wildly about what, exactly, the two-time Oscar nominee might be thinking. Following his widely panned three-song debut as a rapper at a Las Vegas nightclub on Jan. 16 — a shambling performance that concluded with the actor falling off the stage — two competing theories emerged: Either Phoenix is perpetrating an elaborate Andy Kaufman-style hoax (with an assist from his friend and brother-in-law Casey Affleck, who’s ostensibly shooting a documentary about his career transition), or he’s truly lost his marbles. The truth, it seems, is closer to the former. “He said, ‘It’s a put-on. I’m going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going to film it,'” says one source who recently worked with Phoenix.

No one is going to argue that Joaquin Phoenix’s recent behavior has the sloppy feel of a rich boy’s yuck-em-up. That part is completely believable. I have absolutely no need to suspend any disbelief that Joaquin Phoenix has not actually retired from acting in order to become a rapper, nor that Casey Affleck isn’t actually a documentary filmmaker. Sold! But there is one thing about this that I do not believe: JOAQUIN PHOENIX DID NOT SAY THAT. No one talks like that, especially some coked up would-be-Galifianakian Party Monster in the midst of a very expensive prank that makes sense only to himself. Now if the sentence read “He put the heroin bong down and said, ‘Oh man. Casey’s [coughing fit] in. You’ll see bro. Pass that bag of caviar-covered diamonds. Shit tastes so goooood!'” we wouldn’t even be talking about this. Honesty. That’s all I ask of you, Hollywood!