Videogum

You Can Make It Up: Sawyer Kills Hitler

Sawyer found the core of everlasting energy at the center of the island. He knew that by harnessing this energy he could travel in time. He tucked his gun into the waistband of his jeans, and set his copy of The Invention of Morel down on a polar bear. He knew what he had to do.

“But Sawyer,” Juliet said, “don’t you need a shirt?”

Sawyer turned around, his weird-shaped, not-that-muscular-for-a-heartthrob-actually body glistened in the glow of the Orchid’s emergency lights.

“Shirts? Where I’m going I won’t need shirts.”

Sawyer then remembered that you couldn’t take any metal into the time machine. He removed the gun from the waist band of his pants and handed it to the smoke monster. “Take care of that for me, Smokey. I’ll want it when I get back.” OK, now he knew what he had to do.

Sawyer turned the big Captain’s wheel covered in ice. For a second he wished he had that shirt Juliet wouldn’t shut up about. There was a high pitched electric whine, everything went white, and he found himself standing in front of the Nazi headquarters in Munich. A guard approached him and clicked his boots together.

“Das papers?” the guard said.

“Yeah, I got your papers right here, Colonel Klink,” Sawyer said, and cold-cocked the guard. He took the guard’s gun and headed into the giant building where Hitler was.

He made his way stealthily through the marble hallways. He had a lot of practice from running around the jungle on the island. If Hurley were here, he’d probably mess things up by being so fat. Sawyer tucked the German Luger into the waistband of his jeans. His bare feet padded lightly down the Nazi corridors.

Finally he came to a tall, wooden door marked “Hitler.” Sawyer pulled the gun from the waistband of his jeans, put his back to the wall, and peered around the corner. Hitler was sitting at his desk, eating a caviar and bratwurst sandwich. Sawyer brushed his hair from his face and stepped into the room.

“Hello, Sunshine,” Sawyer said.

“Das guards!” Hitler shouted. “Help mein!”

Three Nazi guards ran into the room. Sawyer pointed his gun at them one at a time and told them to drop their guns. They dropped their guns and Sawyer picked them all up and tucked them into the waistband of his jeans. He pointed his gun back at Hitler. “Any last words, Charlie Chaplin?” Hitler spit in Sawyer’s face. Sawyer pistol whipped Hitler. Hitler held his jaw and glared at Sawyer. Then he fell forward, a knife sticking out of his back. Locke walked into the room and withdrew his knife from Hitler’s body and slid it into his belt sheath.

“James,” Locke said casually.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Sawyer said.

Locke wiped his hands on his sweat-stained t-shirt. “WE’VE GOT TO MOVE THE hearts and minds of the German people!”

The end.