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Gossip Girl: It’s Not Over Until The Size 4 Lady Sings

It’s Yale Day, whatever that is. Have things really changed so much since I went to college? Granted, that was back in 1953, when a woman wouldn’t dare to show her ankles, but I remember everyone getting their acceptance letters in the mail, and they were delivered when the mailman felt like it. Nowadays, at least according to this show, which I can’t believe I’m actually pretending presents any kind of even-remotely realistic depiction of the actual world, everyone finds out on the same day, at the same exact moment, via mass-text message. What? It’s like Yale’s never even heard of a Facebook Poke! Anyway, Blair has brunch with her dad and his luhver, and she says something to the effect of “well, the dean said that I was as good as in, so there’s absolutely no way that anything could possibly go wrong,” which tells you two things:

1. something will most definitely go wrong
2. the controlling share of this show’s viewers (51%) are babies

Dan and Serena are also excited about Yale Day (whatever that is). Sure, they’ve had a rough time of it lately, what with the whole their parents are fucking thing, but as Dan tells Serena, getting into Yale will change their lives. “It will be a chance to reinvent ourselves.” Oh good. I hope that Dan reinvents himself as a guy who gets hit by a bus, and Serena should reinvent herself as the girl who also got hit by a bus.

So Blair gets wait-listed, and Dan and Serena get in, but Serena lies to them and says that she got wait-listed, too, because she doesn’t want to hurt Blair’s feelings, and the one thing about being best friends is that you should never, ever be honest with each other if one of you doesn’t have the emotional maturity to handle simple facts. Blair is devastated by this news, but the Headmistress is like “relax, you will probably get in, there’s just one pretty girl who goes to this school who got in ahead of you, but if she turns it down then you’re totes Yale Town: Population Blair.” That’s a direct quote of what the headmistress says, because of how she’s the headmistress of an elite private school and they talk good.

But it’s not that simple because there’s a new English teacher in school who is some Benjamin Buttons shit, because the woman is 12 years old, and she gives Blair a B on a paper, a B! Blair is like “let me tell you how this works, I’m in charge,” and the teacher is like “let me tell you how this works, write better papers.” So Blair hatches a plan to get back at the new teacher, to show her what’s what. The whole thing is a little flimsy, because haven’t we been led to believe that Blair is an impeccable, over-achieving student? It doesn’t seem like she would hand in shoddy work, or that she would pull some kind of Senioritis excuse. Then again, she did end things with Chuck, so WHO KNOWS what she’s capable of :(.

Meanwhile, Chuck has been trying unsuccessfully to get Uncle Jack removed from the head of Bass Industries. He’s tried everything: putting cocaine in Jack’s gym bag, buying Anthrax with his credit card. Out of ideas, he turns to Lily for help. Lily! But she’s the woman who was married to his dad when his dad died and didn’t show proper respect as far as a high-schooler with a penchant for opium and Thai hookers was concerned! There is no love lost between Lily and Uncle Jack, who tends to look at her the way a lion looks at a piece of steak that he plans on raping in a powder room at the opera (whoops! SPOILER!) Lily agrees to help Chuck as long as they begin pursuing legal avenues of destroying Uncle Jack, and that means scrapping Chuck’s brainstorming list, including #26 “Crash Jack in plane.” Lolz. Lily hopes that in helping Chuck it will bring him back to the family, but Chuck just wants one thing: to lead a multi-billion dollar real estate development company in New York City. He might as well, Lord knows he isn’t GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL anymore.

Everything comes to a head at the opera, NATURALLY. First of all, Blair gets a phone call from the headmistress, because that’s a thing that happens. Headmistresses are always calling teenagers late at night on their cellphones. Classic Headmistress stuff. She tells Blair that Ms. Carr came to see her because of Blair’s grade (B!) and how she wanted to make sure that Blair could still keep her grades up for Yale, and Blair is like “I’ve made a terrible mistake,” and her dad’s luhver is like “QUOI POURQUOI ZUT ALORS!” Blair pulls up in a limousine, and Ms. Carr is like “you think this is all fun and games?” Well, OK, it must be embarrassing to get PUNK’T like that, but also you are the full grown woman who is a teacher who accepted her student’s invitation to dinner and the opera, so maybe a little of this is on you. Blair apologizes and gives some kind of the-frog-and-the-scorpion speech about how it’s in her nature to hatch convoluted revenge schemes on the authority figures who hold the keys to her academic future. After she leaves, Ms. Carr calls the headmistress and tells her about the prank. Now it’s all Detention Town: Population Blair. The headmistress loves that joke construction!

Back at the opera, a dough-faced man appears with some mystery papers for Lily to sign, because when it’s time to conclude some business, you unexpectedly show up at the opera. That is just how business is done, and if you didn’t know that, that’s why you’re poor. But the mystery papers hold the key to destroying Uncle Jack, as they are adoption papers that Bart signed before he died, and if Chuck signs them then Lily will be his legal guardian, and she will be in charge of Bass Industries, and Uncle Jack will have to go back to Australia, which it turns out is the worst, most offensive place to be. I never realized! Before he goes, Uncle Jack throws a goodbye party in the powder room. Just him and Lily and his rape eyes.

Now they are a family again. Nothing like a good drug-fueled sexual attack to bring people together.

Speaking of drug-fueled sexual attacks, Dan is totally going to do it with Ms. Carr, which is perfect, because it’s high time someone on this show literally went to jail.