Friday Fight: Movie Remakes: Horrible Or Meh-ible?

gabe: jackie chan is a ridiculous choice for the karate kid remake
gabe: obviously it should have been tony jaa
lindsay: At least it’s not Mickey Rooney.
gabe: but also people need to RELAX
gabe: is mickey rooney even still alive?
lindsay: yeah
gabe: well, then he might ahve actually been a good Mr. Miyagi
gabe: (good=racist)
gabe: he’s old enough, at least
gabe: Jackie Chan will be able to impart on young daniel-san the wisdom of a 43 year old
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: do you love the original karate kid?

gabe: i mean, sure
gabe: but i’m also 109 years old
gabe: i’ve moved forward with my life
lindsay: I have a place in my heart for it and for acting it out with my brother, but I don’t really remember it
gabe: let me refresh your memory
gabe: wax on wax off
gabe: kobra kai
gabe: shower costume
gabe: he wins
gabe: the end
lindsay: and it was already desecrated by hillary swank
gabe: yeah, seriously
gabe: complaining about the sanctity of the karate kid after karate kid three
gabe: is like complaining about the sanctity of marriage
gabe: after Trista and Ryan’s Wedding
lindsay: I think remakes can be okay if they’re for kids
lindsay: Parent Trap w/ Lohan
lindsay: Freaky Friday..w/ Lohan
gabe: you think remakes can be ok if they’re with lohan
lindsay: basically they have to star a pre-2004 lindsay lohan
lindsay: but there’s nothing worse than seeing that a movie is on and clicking on it and it’s the OTHER one
lindsay: like, the ORIGINAL Oceans 11

gabe: hahah
gabe: nothing worse
lindsay: (literally nothing worse. nothing.)
gabe: absolutely nothing worse
gabe: also when have you accidentally turned on the original ocean’s 11?
gabe: because of how you’re always watching Nick at Nite
lindsay: hahahaha
lindsay: The WE channel
lindsay: Turner Movies People Forgot
lindsay: (ugh)
lindsay: Someone should remake Annie Hall just to drive 1% of the population insane.
gabe: hahahhaha
gabe: so many people jumping off of the grad library roof
lindsay: there would be rioting in the streets
gabe: on the upper west side
lindsay: yeah, one street
gabe: “the upper west side is in flames tonight”
lindsay: hahaha
gabe: who would remake it?
lindsay: they could get jeff goldblum to say “I forgot my mantra”
gabe: The Wayans Brothers

lindsay: He would totally reprise that role
gabe: i would love to see a Wayans Brothers remake of Annie Hall
gabe: (love=suicide myself)
gabe: (to=after having accidentally as a joke)
gabe: (see=seen)
lindsay: I need the motherfucking eggs!!!
gabe: i just think it’s funny how mad people get about remakes
lindsay: I kind of get mad
lindsay: I got mad when cruel intentions came out
gabe: sexe intentions
lindsay: because I loved dangerous liasons so much
gabe: i only refer to that movie by its French title
lindsay: I know
gabe: well, sure
gabe: but then there’s a whole otehr contingent
gabe: who are so mad dangerous liasons came out
gabe: because adapting a classic novel is blasphemous
lindsay: Swoosie Kurtz was in both movies! sacrilege!
lindsay: because of VALMONT
lindsay: (nobody remembers valmont)
lindsay: (nobody saw valmont)
gabe: but in none of these cases are you actually forced to participate, purchase, experience the thing that you’re mad about
gabe: and i definitely don’t think there was anyone who was like
gabe: “Dangerous Liasons? Why bother! I’ll just watch Sexe Intentions”
lindsay: Actually, I’m pretty sure everyone in a certain age bracket was required to see cruel intentions
lindsay: and to love it ironically
gabe: that’s different
gabe: ironic enjoyment requires an understanding of context
gabe: you have to know about dangerous liasons to watch Sexe Intentions ironically
lindsay: Really putting that post-graduate work to use!
lindsay: haha
lindsay: you are going to keep saying “sexe intentions”
lindsay: at least five more times
gabe: i’m just saying
gabe: if anything, remakes might encourage people to seek out the original
gabe: but i don’t think they really overwrite the original
gabe: not the way people fear they might
gabe: Cedric the Entertainmer is not who people think of when they talk about Ralph Kramden

lindsay: hahaha, man
lindsay: I forgot about that one
lindsay: oh, and what about the guess who’s coming to dinner one!
lindsay: that one seemed unbelievable
gabe: the thing about remakes is that they are categorically stupid
gabe: but so is a lot of stuff
gabe: but people get more angry about remakes
gabe: because they trample on people’s memories or something
gabe: their precious precious memories
lindsay: of Freaky Friday
gabe: right
gabe: i mean, obviously remakes are exclusively about making money
gabe: but that’s almost refreshing in its honesty
gabe: because in reality everything is about making money
gabe: (cough flight of the conchords returns this sunday on HBO cough)
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: yeah, the “they just want to make….MONEY!” outrage is pretty funny
lindsay: “like firefighters and nurses!”
gabe: what?
gabe: like firefighters and nurses?
lindsay: yes, they want to make money
lindsay: they have jobs
lindsay: nevermind
gabe: remakes are the movie equivalent of learning there’s no santa claus
gabe: like, yeah, surprise, hollywood doesn’t give a fuck about your nostalgia
gabe: it’s in the way of the bank
gabe: excuse me, your nostalgia is blocking the door to the bank
lindsay: all of our pop culture treasures will turn to dust
lindsay: and our favorites are ripoffs of our parent’s favorites anyway
lindsay: so we may as well just all commit suicide
gabe: well, obviously
gabe: i’ve been advocating planetary suicide for YEARS
gabe: because of REMAKES
lindsay: it was the shot for shot psycho that really did it.

gabe: i feel like the shot for shot psycho remake
gabe: was just a half-cooked dorm room idea brought to life
gabe: although that’s already more interesting than most remakes
gabe: most remakes are not even half-baked dorm room ideas
gabe: they’re “my wife says we need to remodel the helicopter” ideas
lindsay: haha, I don’t get east of eden. I loved the book but the movie was soooo boring.
lindsay: oh well then I guess I get it
gabe: you are bad at having opinions about things
lindsay: that’s the definition of getting the remake of east of eden
gabe: east of eden is great
lindsay: yeah, probably. I was 14.
lindsay: what do you want?
gabe: hahahahha
lindsay: me to know about movies?
gabe: i want you to not keep having the opinions of a 14 year old
gabe: it’s 2005