An Open Letter To My Good Friend Verne Troyer

Dear Verne,

I know that you won’t be reading this until your time on UK’s Celebrity Big Brother is over. It must be hard for you to not be able to communicate with your friends and family. That house is locked down tighter than Bio-Dome. Then again, with your extensive experience living in reality TV housing, you’re probably used to it by now. Remember when you were on Surreal Life? You’ve got the being-made-a-fool-of bug!

I just wanted to take a second to let you know that we’re all still pulling for you over here. We’ve never actually watched Big Brother, so we don’t have any idea how you win, or if you even can win, or if it’s even a real show. It kind of seems like a throw-away joke from Ed TV or something. “Big Brother is killing us in the ratings, Truman!” “What ratings?” “Whoops!” (For the record, Verne, I didn’t get Ed TV and The Truman Show confused, I just switched analogous examples mid-paragraph, and since they’re both equally stupid I figured it kind of worked.)

That being said, there’s a pretty amazing picture of you taken from the show floating around the internet today. It’s you sitting on the floor, dressed like a bear, eating a jar of honey with a wooden spoon. Also this. The thing that struck me in looking at this picture is that someone who is willing to participate in that kind of x-treme international humiliation out of what at this point is obviously a deep-seated need for attention at any cost, should really be cooler about people teasing you on the internet. You and I have already made our peace, but, like, when you’re in a situation like this, what do you think is going to happen? An outpouring of respect and admiration? DUDE, YOU ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR IN A BEAR COSTUME EATING A JAR OF HONEY WITH A WOODEN SPOON. I am just saying: WE LIVE IN A WORLD OF RULES, and one of those rules is dudes who are photographed under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES sitting on the floor dressed in a bear costume eating a jar of honey with a spoon get made fun of on the internet. NO EXCEPTIONS.

I just wanted to make sure, as your best friend, that we were clear on what this is. Communication!

Lindsay Robertson