Happy Birthday Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney turns 90 years old today. That is so many years old. That’s almost all of the years. It was like big bang, then dinosaurs, then Andy Rooney crawled out of the ocean. You know how they say that if Earth’s history was one year, then human history would be 20 minutes, or something? So by that math, Andy Rooney has been alive for 19 minutes. And so many more jokes about how old he is!

What’s funny is that I thought Andy Rooney had gotten out-of-touch in his old age, with his televised essays about owning six cheese peelers, or whatever, but it turns out he was basically always this way. From Wikipedia:

According to CBS News’s biography of him, “Rooney wrote his first television essay, a longer-length precursor of the type he does on 60 Minutes, in 1964, ‘An Essay on Doors.’

An Essay on Doors? Classic. The Andy Rooneys keep getting older, but the boring things Andy Rooney chooses to talk about stay the same boring.

We wanted to do a collection of Rooney’s best clips, but they’re all basically the best, and there are over 15 billion of them to choose from, so instead, in honor of the man’s entry into the elite and sickly-smelling nonagenarian club, we offer a few of the best impersonations of Andy Rooney (which, it turns out, are also the worst impersonations of Andy Rooney). After the jump.

This guy

This kid

This guy

Joe Piscopo

Frank Caliendo

The fact that these guys are all so bad just goes to show you that there’s no improving on perfection. Happy birthday, Andy Rooney.