M/F/K: The New Real Housewife Of New York

In the run-up to the first season of The Real Housewives of New York, I played a game of Marry, Fuck, Kill, in which I ranked all of the women accordingly based on nothing more than their photos and their official bio information. Fun! (Fun?) The idea was to see whether or not their rankings changed over the course of the season, and surprise, they did. Turns out that based on a heavily air-brushed photo and a thinly padded on-line resume, it’s hard to know just how much you want to kill Ramona!

Season 2 is beginning in a few weeks (Tuesday, February 17), and all the ladies are coming back. Oh good. I’m so glad none of them fell off their yachts into an ocean of acid. But also ONE NEW LADY will be joining the cast. So, in honor of Kelly Killoren Bensimon (or as I like to call her, Kelly Marryfuckkilloren Bensimon. GET IT?) new life as a target for derision and condescending pity, let us see whether, based only on her heavily air-brushed photo and thinly padded on-line resume, we would like to marry her, fuck her, or kill her. I bet all of the above!

Kelly Killoren Bensimon

“Kelly Killoren Bensimon, the newest Housewife, is known as one of New York City’s major tastemakers. Mother of two daughters, Killoren Bensimon is a model, equestrian, author, editor and designer. She recently created a line of costume jewelry and a collaboration of sweaters that were sold in major department stores nationwide. The former Editor of Elle Accessories, an ambassador for Wool Corp., she is also the face of Saks Fifth Avenue’s “Wear” Campaign for spring 2009. In addition to her own reality show on Plum TV called “Behind the Hedges,” she is a columnist for New York Post’s Page Six Magazine. She has also published three books – The Bikini Book, American Style, and In The Spirit of the Hamptons – and donates a portion of her book proceeds to the Costume Institute at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. Killoren Bensimon splits her time between New York City and East Hampton.”

Marry. I don’t know what a “collaboration of sweaters” is, and in the world of philanthropy, donating a portion of your book’s proceeds to the Costume Institute at the Metropolitan Museum of Art is the same as donating a portion of your book’s proceeds to the upkeep of your own asshole. But if she’s still being asked to do modeling for Saks, then maybe the upkeep of her asshole was worth it, because that’s not easy work to come by for women of a certain age. She certainly doesn’t seem worth killing at this point, although the bullshit Plum TV reality show and Page Six Magazine stuff came thisclose to putting her in the “fuck” category. But it’s not like people actually talk to their wives, right? We’ll work it out. Did you know that couples who sleep in separate bedrooms are often happier?!